Mission: Akatsuki
by AbiwonKenabi
Summary: Sakura is assigned to the Akatsuki by Lady Tsunade! What kind of wacky adventures await her? Will she survive the mission? Will she get to the bottom of all the problems that plague the Hidden Leaf Village? Is it the Akatsuki?  Lots of Akatsuki fun!
1. A New Mission

The fifth Hokage shook her cramped hand after completing what seemed like the hundredth form she had to fill. Placing the folder in the "finished" pile, she sighed as she looked at the still towering pile of "to-do" forms to her right. She hated filling out paperwork. This was not what she expected when she agreed to become Hokage.

The door burst open as her attendant, Shizune, scurried through the door. She had an urgent look on her face and an important looking envelop in her hand.

"Lady Tsunade!"

_Oh no. Not more paperwork…_ Tsunade thought to herself. "What is it Shizune?"

"It's… the Akatsuki." She offered the envelop to the Hokage.

Tsunade was visibly relieved; she wouldn't have to be filling out more forms, as her attendant constantly forced her to do. She took the envelop, flipped it over and, sure enough, sealing the envelop was a red cloud, symbol of the Akatsuki. _What do they want this time? _she wondered. She tore into the seal and read the message within.

Shizune watched with apprehension. Every moment her master spent scanning the page in her hand, she became more and more worried. Until finally…

"Shizune?"

"Yes milady?"

"Go get Sakura."

Shizune blinked, a little confused. "S-Sakura, milady?"

Tsunade nodded, smirking a little. "The Akatsuki need another medical ninja."

* * *

Sakura Haruno, after a lengthy surgery, finally exited the operation room. It was the third surgery this week, and Sakura was starting to worry that the Leaf Village was getting less and less effective during their missions. Injured shinobi were coming into the hospital left and right and Sakura could hardly keep up.

"Hey Sakura!" A blonde ninja shouted, approaching her. It was none other than the number one knuckle-headed ninja and her team mate, Naruto Uzumaki.

"Hey Sakura, how's it going?" Naruto shouted, even though he was now right in front of Sakura.

"You idiot. Don't you know not to bother me while I'm working? You aren't going to try to ask me on another date, are you?"

"Er…no. Well, only if you want to…"

Sakura groaned and walked away. She decided it would be better if she just left it alone. She walked towards the front desk to fill out the required paperwork.

"W-wait, Sakura! I was just…kidding? Yeah, I was kidding! Heh, heh…_c'mon_," Naruto sputtered, pursuing her. Sakura continued ignoring him. "What's the big deal about a date with me anyway? C'mon, it's just _one _date-"

Sakura promptly knocked him flat on the floor with one swing of her fist. "Ouch! Sakura!"

She sneered at him. "C'mon, Naruto. It's just _one _punch."

"On second thought, I don't want to date you. You're too violen-ow!" Naruto was interrupted by a punch to his shoulder.

Sakura harrumphed at him, continued her work.

"Anyways, Sakura, I didn't even come here to ask you on a date. I came here to deliver a message from Grandma Tsunade," he grumbled.

Sakura perked up. A message from her master? Maybe it was about all the injured ninja returning from missions lately. "What does she need?"

"She wants to see you," said Naruto, still rubbing his shoulder.

Sakura said goodbye and quickly walked to the office of the Hokage. She was hoping she could help resolve the matter of injured ninja. Anything to help the village.

Soon, Sakura found herself at the door, knocking. "Enter," she heard Tsunade say.

The door creaked open and Sakura found herself in a room filled ANBU ninjas. Their various animal faces stared blankly at the Hokage as she relayed instructions. Then, they simultaneously turned to look at the new entry to the room. Sakura suddenly felt like she was on the spot.

"You're dismissed for now. We'll discuss this later," Tsunade told the ANBU, and they promptly vanished.

Sakura approached the desk. "You wanted me, milady?"

"Yes Sakura. I have a new mission for you."

Sakura hesitated. The rest of Team Kakashi wasn't present, so this mission must pertain to the crowded hospital. Or so Sakura believed. "If it's about the hospital…"

"It's not," Tsunade answered, reading Sakura's thoughts. She closed her eyes before continuing, "There have been many incidents during missions, but I have the ANBU looking into that."

_That explains the creepy animal parade, _Sakura thought.

"Your mission, though, is something entirely different," the Hokage paused and looked intently at Sakura. "It's just as important, however."

Now Sakura was on the edge of her seat. What is it? What is it?

"You will be working with… the Akatsuki."

Sakura was shocked. The Akatsuki? A group of former S-ranked criminals, the Akatsuki were no longer technically enemies of the Leaf, Sakura knew that much. But still…The Akatsuki were considered last resort: they did the dirty jobs no one else wanted. And there was still plenty of controversy about the Hokage even allowing them that much.

"They need a medical ninja. Their last one…well, he's been taken off-duty for health reasons."

_Just perfect, _Sakura thought sarcastically.

Tsunade read Sakura's anxious face. "Look, Sakura, you're the only one I trust to do this. I'd send Shizune, but I need her to help run things here," Tsunade explained, glancing painfully at the pile of papers on her desk. "It's not just to play doctor: I need some one to keep an eye on the Akatsuki."

Sakura suddenly understood. "You think the Akatsuki might be-"

"It's a possibility," Tsunade finished. "I don't know what's going wrong during these missions, or who's causing it, so I have to follow every lead I can."

Sakura sighed. She would much rather stay here and continue running the hospital as best she can. But Tsunade had a point: Sakura was the best person for this job. And she had wanted to help, now she was given the chance. She agreed to Tsunade's request.

Tsunade nodded. "Pack up. I want you to leave for their hideout immediately. I'll expect frequent reports, even if there's nothing to report."

"Yes, milady," Sakura consented, then turned to leave.

"Oh, and Sakura?"

"Hmm?"

"Be careful out there."

Sakura smiled. "Of course, Lady Tsunade."


	2. The Akatsuki Converge!

"We're almost there," breathed Neji, soaring through the thick forest. Rock Lee leaped quickly behind him, trying to overtake his rival. Sakura trailed at the rear, tired from the break neck pace Lee had set.

Lee and Neji had been assigned to escort Sakura to the Akatsuki base. Sakura hadn't realized how close it was to the Leaf Village; They had left this morning, and the dusk was only just settling in as they approached their destination.

Neji slowed up and landed on the forest floor. "Let me take a look around," he told them, activating his Byakugan. He was still for a moment, no doubt scanning the entire forest with his sharp, all-encompassing eyesight.

Sakura was starting to fidget with impatience when Neji closed his eyes and began walking. "It's this way," he explained.

"Then let us escort Sakura quickly to her destination!" Rock Lee proclaimed with enthusiasm. "We should be back at the Leaf by tomorrow if we put in double time, no, _triple _time on the way back."

Neji grumbled to himself, but otherwise ignored Lee's usual fervor. Sakura said nothing as she followed the pair. She gazed at the gray, cloudy sky, hoping she would make it inside before the impending rain came down.

Then, the trio emerged from the forest into a large clearing. Sakura thought she heard Lee gasp. "There it is," Neji stated.

Sakura gasped too. On the other side of the clearing was a towering, ominous castle. Its black stone walls were set against a background of dark green and gray. The windows had sprawling scenes of battling ninja in stained glass. The front double-doors were thick and foreboding, each adorned with a knocker in the shape of a lion. Sakura's green eyes continued to scan the edifice all the way up, where two identical towers loomed.

"Well," Sakura managed to squeak, "I guess I'll see you guys later."

Lee gulped. "Good luck, Sakura!" He and Neji turned and left.

_I'll definitely need it, _Sakura shuddered. She started crossing the clearing when she noticed how well kept it was. A gravel path began and led through the rest of the clearing, which was filled with decorative shrubs and flowers. It was like a charming, royal garden, and it gave Sakura more confidence as she approached the door. She banged the large knocker against the wood.

"Hello?" she called out. The door suddenly creaked open. Sakura peered inside, but could see nothing in the dark interior of the castle. She gathered her courage and entered.

Every tiny sound, every footstep echoed in the huge foyer. Only soft candlelight from the candelabras on the walls illuminated the room. Sakura noticed a large mural on the far wall, which depicted the giant stone statue of the sealing jutsu the Akatsuki originally used to seal the tailed-beasts. On each of the nine eyes, a tailed beast was depicted on its corresponding eye. Sakura's gaze lingered on the snarling Nine-Tailed Fox, its tails whipping menacingly around it.

The door suddenly slammed shut behind Sakura. Sakura spun around to see who had closed it, but saw no one there. Sakura was rapidly losing her earlier confidence.

"Hello!" she called again, more nervously this time. "Is anyone there? I'm from the Leaf Village and I'm here to help."

"So you finally arrived. **I thought the Leaf ninja would never come.**"

Sakura was startled, searching around frantically in the dark to find the source of the voice. "Who's there?"

A shadow suddenly broke away from the rest. It was a tall and creeping figure, with spines jutting out of it. Sakura then discerned a human figure among all those spines. A person, one half of his face black, one white, had spiny plant appendages coming out of a black Akatsuki cloak. It suddenly spoke, "Helloooo."

Sakura screeched her lungs out as she tried to backpedal away from this strange creature. She managed to fall flat on her butt. _It's gonna eat me!_ she feared.

"**Not another one,**" the figure groaned, "**This one's soft.**"

Sakura halted her screaming as she heard the monster talking. She was _soft_?

"Maybe it'll get used to us," the plant man said, almost menacingly. Sakura whimpered at the sound of the creepy voice. "**Nope. It's soft.**"

Sakura stood abruptly. "I am not…soft. I was just surprised," Sakura faltered, becoming aware of who she was actually standing up to. "And my name is Sakura. Not _it._"

The plant gazed at her with bright green eyes, which seemed to illuminate some of the room. "Leader wants to see you." Then he hurried down a dark corridor to the left.

Sakura was quick to follow, not wanting someone to sneak up on her again. The corridor was lined with candelabras lighting the way, and there was more strange artwork like the mural in the foyer, only not nearly as grand.

The plant stopped at a pair of black doors with gold knobs. He hesitated before opening the door.

"Be careful what you say to Leader. **He's not as lenient as me.**"

Sakura shuddered. _This plant is supposed to be the lenient one?_

The door was flung open, and the plant held the door for Sakura to enter first. Sakura took careful measured steps into the room. The first thing she saw was-

"Hallooooooooo Cherry Blossom! Tobi is happy to meet you!"

A swirly orange mask assaulted Sakura's vision. The sudden cheerful voice caused Sakura to squeal again. "Um hello…Leader?"

Her comment seemed to excite the man in the orange mask, because he squealed right back, "Cherry Blossom called Tobi 'Leader'! Tobi can already tell we are gonna be good friends!"

"Step down Tobi. You're traumatizing the poor girl," a women's voice chastised the one called Tobi.

Tobi backed away. "Tobi was just saying hello."

The blue-haired woman walked into sight from an adjacent room. "Hello, you must be the medical nin we asked for. I'm Konan."

Sakura sighed with relief. _Finally somebody normal. _"Hi, I'm Sakura. Nice to meet y-"

"PAIN! GET OUT HERE! THE MEDICAL NIN IS INTRODUCING HERSELF!" Konan shouted into the other room. She was suddenly frazzled and ferocious. Sakura wasn't sure what to do…

"I'm coming, I'm coming," said an orange-haired man, Pain apparently, as he entered the room. He was covered with numerous piercings and interesting orange eyes.

Konan went back to normalcy as she introduced Pain. "Sakura, this is Pain, he's the Leader."

"Hello, nice to meet y-"

"Here's the deal. We don't really like asking the Hokage for help, but it's something we have to do. So you answer to me and nobody else, got it? You're the fifth medical ninja we've had in like, a month. So it's not really a big deal if we have to find a way to send you back. I see Zetsu showed in you in, right?"

He indicated the plant man.

Sakura stammered, "Y-yes."

"Well, he's not the scariest thing we have here, just so you know."

"Okay…" Sakura was disconcerted by Pain's bluntness. She wasn't sure of what to say. She _was_ going to tell him how committed she would be, but apparently he didn't care.

"Konan, group meeting," Pain muttered to Konan.

"EVERYONE! GROUP MEETING!" Konan bellowed. Sakura had no idea how everyone was supposed to hear that announcement in this immense castle.

Regardless, members started entering the room, which appeared to be some sort of meeting room, with a long, ornate table and ten chairs surrounding it. First, a short man entered, more of a boy really. His long, bright blonde hair was covering the left side of his face and was pulled up in a ponytail. He looked mischievously at Sakura with his single, gray-blue eye. Following him was a man with strange eyes and a mask covering his mouth. He gave Sakura a calculating look, like he was trying to size her up. After him, a man with slicked back, gray hair entered, wearing a sneer as he gazed at Sakura with his violet eyes.

"I told you it was a girl, un."

"The hell you did! You said she was a f***ing hermaphrodite!"

"Well, I was half right, hmm."

"Hidan, Deidara, will you sit down please?" Pain interrupted their conversation. Sakura saw the others taking their places as if they had assigned seats. Zetsu and Tobi sat at the far end of the table opposite each other. The gray-haired man sat across from the other masked man in the middle, while the Blondie sat next to Tobi. Pain himself was seated at the head of the table, while Konan sat at the other end. For a bunch of weirdoes, they seemed strangely organized.

"Oo! Oo! Cherry Blossom should sit next to Tobi!" Tobi squealed as he pulled up an extra chair. Sakura had no idea where that chair came from; she didn't see it there a moment ago.

Sakura, seeing no other option, seated herself between Tobi and Pain. "Thanks, but my name is Sakura."

Tobi stared at her. "Tobi _knows_, Cherry Blossom."

"**Her name just means Cherry Blossom, fool. **You're supposed to call her Sakura," Zetsu explained, shaking his head.

Tobi apparently had a short attention span, because while Zetsu spoke, he directed his attention to the blonde on his right. "Oo! Oo! Sempai! Have you met Tobi's new friend, Cherry Blossom?"

The blonde leaned over to get a good look at Sakura. "Hi Cherry Blossom. I'm Deidara, hmm." He smiled and waved. Sakura was a little shocked to see a mouth sticking its tongue out on his hand.

_Just ignore it. They're trying to freak you out again. _Sakura struggled to keep calm and instead shot Deidara a dirty look. "My name is Sakura."

"Oh. Right," his smile disappeared, "Sakura, un."

Another face leaned over next to Deidara's. "She _does _look a little like a hermaphrodite, Dei, doesn't she?"

Sakura's glare shifted to the gray-haired man. He just laughed evilly. Sakura had a bad feeling about this guy.

"Well, it's true," he snickered. Sakura just strengthened her glare.

"Hidan," Pain said in warning, "enough."

Hidan stood in outrage. "What the hell, man? Deidara's the one who f***ing said it. I was just agreeing with him!"

The masked man finally joined the conversation. "Just sit down, you idiot, and stop making a fool of yourself. It's worthless."

"I don't wanna hear anymore 'worthless' sh** from you, Kakuzu! I get enough of that sh** on f***ing missions." Hidan was really worked up now. "By Jashin, I'll-"

"Always about that _god _of yours, isn't it? He's not real, no god is. Only money is real."

"You f***ing heathen! Money means nothing in comparison to the might of Jashin!"

Their argument escalated, but Sakura tried her hardest to tune out. She had been there ten minutes, and she already felt like beating someone's head in. Probably Hidan's, but with so many people to get in her way, who knew?

During their argument, another Akatsuki cloak fluttered into the meeting room. This one, Sakura recognized. She would recognize him anywhere. His brown eyes briefly met Sakura's as he walked into the room. His blank expression was as calm as ever. His red hair fit his name well: Sasori of the Red Sand.

"Sasori," Pain called, "hurry up and sit down. I want to get this meeting started. Where are Itachi and Kisame?"

"Haven't seen them." Sasori responded as he sat down in front of Deidara.

Sakura was still wary of him. "Sasori," she stated in acknowledgment.

Sasori smirked a little. "Sakura. Figures the Hokage would send a brat."

Of all the Akatsuki members, Sakura was most afraid of meeting Sasori, if only for the reason that he knew so much about her. She had a one-up on the others because the others didn't know she had any abilities other than healing. The others didn't know what kind of power she had. Sasori did.

"You two know each other, yeah?" Deidara noticed.

Sakura couldn't help but smile. "Yeah, we met briefly. Sasori just _fell to pieces, _though."

Sasori's smirk had faded. "Well, I recall that you didn't get the _point_ I tried to get across repeatedly."

"Yeah, you're right. You must've felt so _trapped _when I got my idea across perfectly fine."

"It's probably because you were so in_toxic_ated."

"That was a bit of a stretch."

"I know."

Deidara scratched his head, trying to figure out what the hell they were talking about, when the last two members entered.

"Is this where the party is?" sneered a voice. It belonged to a tall man- the tallest member Sakura had seen. He was also blue. Sakura had never seen that either.

"Finally. I don't like waiting."

The newcomer's piercing gaze found Sakura. At this point, Sakura felt like some kind interesting display; everyone wanted to look at her.

"Sorry we're late," the blue man smiled, revealing pointed, shark's teeth, "We just got back."

"Kisame. Itachi. Sit down please," Pain ordered.

Kisame went to his seat at the end next to Hidan. Behind him, previously unseen behind Kisame's size, was Itachi Uchiha. Sakura had almost forgotten he was on the team. Upon seeing his raven hair and onyx eyes, she was reminded, with a sharp twinge of pain, of Sasuke.

Itachi was the only one who didn't look at Sakura. He didn't really look at anyone and was silent as he took his seat across from Kisame.

"Good. Now that we're all here, we can finally begin," Pain began.

At that point, about a million questions were fired at Pain all at once.

"How long is Cherry Blossom going to stay with us, un?"

"Can the hermaphrodite sleep in my room? I'll take good care of her…"

"How much is this going to cost us?"

"Guys, shut up…"

"The infirmary is in shambles. How's the brat going to do us any good without it? Are we going to fix the infirmary?"

"But fixing it is going to cost a fortune!"

"Shut _up…_"

"So, what's for dinner? Not fish I hope."

"**Why do we even need this pointless meeting? **The author has to introduce all the characters somehow."

"Tobi is a good boy!"

"SHUT UP!"

Everyone was quickly silent. Pain, who had been massaging his temples, looked up. "Thank you Konan."

"Anytime, sweetie."

"Now," Pain tried again, "As you may have already noticed, the Leaf ninja who is going to serve as our healer for a while has arrived. Her name is Sakura Haruno. She's staying with us indefinitely and she _will not _be staying in anyone's room. Sakura, I'm going to have to task you with fixing up the infirmary as your first job. We'll provide everything necessary and it shouldn't cost that much. And yes, it's fish, Kisame. Leftovers."

"Damn." Kisame breathed.

"Where the hell is she staying then?" Hidan asked.

Kakuzu answered condescendingly, "If you'd stop praying so much and come out of your little hallway, you'd notice that we live in a massive castle. She'll have her own room, moron."

Hidan promptly flashed his middle finger to Kakuzu. Tobi raised his hand, like a school kid.

Pain sighed. "Yes…Tobi?"

"How is Cherry Blossom supposed to know the rules?"

Pain looked confused. "The rules?"

"Yeah, yeah! You know," Tobi lowered to a whisper, "The Akatsuki rules."

Pain nodded and thought for a moment. "Why don't you tell her the rules Tobi?"

"Oo! Oo! Okay! Let's see, the first one is…um…"

Deidara rolled his eyes. "C'mon, un! The first rule of Akatsuki is don't talk about Akatsuki!"

"Oh yeah! Sempai is so smart!"

Deidara crossed his arms proudly. Sakura looked confused, "What's the second rule?"

"Don't talk about Akatsuki," Deidara answered.

"I thought that was the first rule," Sakura pointed out, even more confused.

"It is, hmm."

Zetsu joined in. "Isn't that from a movie?"

Deidara pondered, "Ummm, I don't think… Nope. No it isn't. Un."

Sakura decided to drop it for now and move on. "What's the next rule?" These rules seemed important, and Sakura was eager to get them memorized. _Should I be writing these down? _

"The third rule is don't talk about-ow!" Deidara was smacked by Kakuzu.

Kakuzu then supplied the third rule. "The third rule is 'don't waste toilet paper'"

"Are you kidding?" Sakura asked.

Kakuzu leaned toward her with maniacal eyes. "Do I look like I kid?"

Sakura backed off. "No s-sir. Don't waste toilet paper, got it."

Kakuzu nodded approval.

Hidan spoke next. "And the fourth rule is 'Jashin rules.'"

"That's not a rule," Sasori protested.

"Yes it is. I just made it up."

"Okay, STOP. None of these rules are real Akatsuki rules." Konan clarified. "Pain, get some control over your team here!"

Pain was drooling all over the meeting table, fast asleep, completely oblivious to the ongoing conversation.

Konan groaned. "I guess I'll have to take control." Konan showed her white ring. "Hey Tobi. What is this?"

Tobi looked around like it was a trick question. Sakura thought he might be right. "Konan's ring, of course."

"That's right. And when does Konan wear this ring?"

"Well," Tobi pondered, then answered, "all the time!"

"Right. And why do I wear it all the time?"

A light must've come on in Tobi's brain, because he was suddenly wiggling in his chair with excitement. "Tobi knows the first rule! Tobi knows the first rule! The first rule is 'wear your Akatsuki ring at all times.'"

"Good job, Tobi," Konan praised. Sakura felt like this was some kind of kindergarten class. A demented kindergarten class. "Does anyone know the second rule?"

They all just kind of stared at each other. Did any Akatsuki members actually know their own rules?

"Is it 'One of us, one of them' yeah?"

"**Now I know that one's from Heroes.**"

Konan shook her head. "No. Close."

"I know the second rule," everyone turned to face Itachi, who had spoken for the first time since entering the room. He stared at nothing in particular and said, "The second rule is 'Akatsuki always travel in pairs.'"

"Good job. That's all three rules," Konan finished.

Sakura was still puzzled. "Wait, what's the third rule?"

"The third rule," Konan told her, "is something you have to find out for yourself."

* * *

After Konan finally managed to wake Pain up, Pain quickly adjourned the meeting and ordered, "Itachi, take Sakura to her room." He might as well have said "Kisame take Sakura to her room," because it was Kisame that did the leading and Itachi just kind of followed along with Sakura.

"I wonder how long this one will last," Kisame wondered aloud, "What do you think Itachi?"

Itachi waited a whole minute before responding, "No longer than the others."

Kisame snickered. Sakura was a little freaked out. "Wait what do you mean 'how long this one will last?'" she queried.

Kisame smiled again. "Well, you know. We've been through quite a few medical nin over the past year. How did the last one leave again, Itachi?"

Itachi paused before beginning his tale. "Hidan's guts were spilling out. So he went to the infirmary to get healed. The healer thought Hidan was some kind of evil zombie and tried to attack him. That only made Hidan mad, and 'in the name of Jashin' he wrecked the infirmary. I came down there just in time to run that medical ninja out of there."

Kisame started laughing. "Tell her about what you did."

"What?" Itachi asked innocently, "The part before or after he lost his sanity?"

Kisame roared with laughter. "You really did a number on that one Itachi. He comes out ranting about some 'flesh eating unicorn' and tried to hang himself by his entrails!"

Sakura paled. Was this going to happen to her?

"Tell her about the time that old woman started acting like a dog, like barking and scratching and stuff, just to get away from Zetsu."

"Zetsu thought she smelled tasty," Itachi explained simply, "but he doesn't really like dog smell, so she acted like a dog."

"At least she didn't get maimed like that other kid did," Kisame added.

Sakura gulped. "Maimed?"


	3. Morning Routine?

**Author's note: Hey all! Sorry I haven't been commenting! I'm kinda new at this. Anyways, in case you haven't figured it out yet, this story doesn't really fit in with any canon. And bold is generally Black Zetsu, italics is thinking. Please review to tell me what's good and what's bad!**

Sakura was shown to her room and left to her own devices. She was glad: all of this was extremely overwhelming, and she was thoroughly creeped out by Kisame's and Itachi's conversation.

Her room was medium-sized, with a window facing the rear gardens and an intricately-decorated, cushy, queen-sized bed. Other than a desk, chair and bedside table, there was little else interesting about the room. Sakura guessed she wouldn't be spending a lot of time in this room. She sat her backpack on the desk and flopped onto the bed. She had been there for twenty minutes and she was already exhausted. She was just going to relax for a minute-

"Cherryyyyyy!"

"Wha!" Sakura squealed. Tobi had suddenly materialized right next to Sakura.

"Cherry! Is Cherry hungry?"

"Will you stop calling me that? How did you get in here?"

Tobi ignored her and sat in front of the door as if he expected someone.

"What're you doing?" Sakura asked, baffled.

A knock at the door was heard and Tobi immediately yanked it open.

"Sempai!" Tobi greeted. Deidara was on the other side of the door, his hand still in knocking position.

"I have some dinner, hmm," Deidara indicated a tray in his hand. On it was a covered plate and a glass of milk.

"Thank you. That was nice," Sakura complimented. That was the nicest thing that has happened to her since she arrived. Maybe Deidara was sweeter than he let on…

"Pain said you probably shouldn't eat with us the first night, un. I wasn't going to come all the way up here, I was going to send Tobi but…"

"Konan-chan kicked his butt!" Tobi finished.

"_Tobi,_" Deidara growled, blushing. Sakura giggled a little. "It's not funny, un!"

"Anyways thanks for the meal," Sakura smiled.

Deidara sat the tray on the desk. "I think its nice you're here."

"Really?" Sakura was touched. Deidara was nice after all.

"Yeah, now I don't have to worry about who I burn, hmm."

_Burn?_ Sakura worried. _Great. I get to deal with a pyromaniac now, too._

"Well, we should get going Tobi, yeah." Deidara looked around for his masked friend. "Tobi?"

"Cherry! What's this?" Tobi held up a half unwrapped tampon he had extracted from Sakura's now ransacked backpack.

"Get out of there!" she yelled angrily. Sakura punched him in the head without thinking.

Tobi flew backwards, but instead of hitting the wall he disappeared. Sakura heard a yelp from behind.

"Tobi! Why'd you teleport right on top of me, un?"

Sakura turned around to see that Tobi had barreled into Deidara instead of the wall. _Did he just teleport?_

"Sorry Cherry! Tobi thought it was candy!"

Deidara flipped him on the floor as he got up. "Tobi, we're leaving." He dragged a still-apologizing-on-the-verge-of-tears Tobi towards the door.

Sakura thought of something. "Wait! What do I do in the morning? Where should I go?"

"The bathroom's just down the hall," he told her, pointing in the direction.

"No, I mean, where's the infirmary?"

Deidara groaned. "I guess I can come and show you in the morning, hmm. My room is just down the hall past the bathroom."

"Okay, thanks," Sakura said, "Goodnight."

Deidara stopped and turned, smirking. He lifted up a tongued hand. "Goodnight, Cherry."

Sakura closed the door and listened to Deidara ream Tobi out until their excited voices faded. Sakura went to the plate and lifted the cover. Pain was right: it was fish. Fried cod to be exact, with a side of peas. Sakura didn't really like peas, but ate the fish. She hadn't realized how hungry she was. She quickly wrote a report for her master to let her know she was alright, but, having no means to send it, she sat the letter on her nightstand. Sakura flopped into bed and quickly fell asleep.

* * *

The next morning, Sakura had no problem finding the bathroom. The problem was getting inside. She repeatedly banged on the door, only to hear Deidara shout "Occupato!" as the only reply.

"What's taking him so long?" Sakura muttered to herself.

"Probably still fixing his hair," a calm voice replied.

Walking up behind Sakura was Sasori…still in his Pjs. Sakura giggled.

"What?" Sasori asked, puzzled.

"Sorry. I don't know if I can take you seriously in red flannel pajamas."

Sasori seemed annoyed. "Well look at you Miss Fuzzy-Pink-Robe. Can't you wear anything not pink? Besides, even S-rank criminals have to sleep sometimes"

"Yeah but…pajamas? I expected you to be more of the boxer and T-shirt type."

Sasori rolled his eyes, but couldn't respond because of the sudden "Goooood Morning!" Tobi shouted as he appeared. Sakura nearly toppled over. Sasori was unfazed.

"Good morning Cherry Blossom!" Tobi repeated. He was wearing yellow teddy bear pajamas complete with floppy cap.

"Uh, morning Tobi," Sakura replied shyly.

Tobi seemed to be smiling at Sakura for a while, when he suddenly got very wiggly, holding his crotch region.

"Ugg! Tobi has to go potty!"

Sasori shook his head at him. "C'mon Tobi. You have your own bathroom in the tower, complete with Winnie the Pooh shower curtains."

"Tobi likes Tigger the best," he informed Sakura casually, still holding his crotch. "But Tobi has to go! Really bad!"

Sasori sighed. "Alright, if you insist…" He knocked on the door. "Deidara! Get out! Tobi has to go!"

"Occupato, un!"

"You know Tobi's not fully house trained. Get outta there!"

"Never!"

"Tobi's gonna blow!" Tobi was wriggling like crazy now, his ears turning red. He scrambled around with his pants, pulling them down and rushing to the nearest potted plant.

Suddenly, a plant sprung from the cracks in the wall next to Sakura. From it emerged Zetsu.

"No! Not the plant! Get away from there, **or else!**"

But unfortunately, Tobi had already commenced going potty, so naturally he sprayed pee everywhere when he spun around, soaking the three bystanders, Sakura included.

Sakura was steaming now. She grabbed a hold of the bathroom door handle and yanked it off its hinges.

"Deidara! Get outta there!" Sakura screeched.

Inside, a fully-clothed Deidara was revealed with hair dryer in hand. "Occupat-whoa!"

Sakura jerked Deidara by his hair out of the bathroom, and tossed him at the spraying Tobi. "Whoa, Sempai! Are you shielding the others from Tobi's pee-pee? That's so epic!"

Deidara was thoroughly dazed. Zetsu grumbled something about "plant haters" and receded into the wall. Sasori stood there, his pee soaked limbs outstretched.

"I'm. Covered. In. Pee." he uttered, managing to stay calm.

Sakura huffed as she surveyed her handiwork: the three traumatized Akatsuki trembling and the bathroom now free. Maybe coping with the Akatsuki was going to be easier than she previously thought.

"Hey has anyone seen-whoa! It smells like piss over here," Hidan stormed into the hallway, quickly covering his nose. "What happened? Did Tobi have an accident again?"

"Yes," Tobi admitted sheepishly.

Hidan shook his head, "Anyways, I need the f***ing hermaphrodite. Pain told me to take her to the infirmary."

"I have to get ready first," Sakura snapped, picking up the door and returning it to its hinges. She slammed the door shut on the four members.

_Idiots, _she thought as she stepped in the shower.

* * *

Hidan practically ran her to the infirmary, which was evidently in the basement. They walked down a hall, went down some stairs, walked down another hall, opened a door in the floor, went down some more stairs and they were there. Sakura was very annoyed that her room was on the complete opposite side of the castle. Were they doing this just to torture her?

Hidan opened the door-more like pushed the door aside, as it was hanging on its hinges-and flicked on the lights. All the fluorescent tube lightings were shattered across the floor, save for one which was hanging by a single wire from the ceiling and flashed weakly.

That might've been the cleanest part about the room. The cabinets that lined the walls had their contents spilled all across the floor and were riddled with gnashes and cuts. All the various liquids stored on the countertop looked like they had exploded, and were dripping steadily onto the floor. What looked like a shiny metal examination table was filthy and overturned. On top of the all the mess, a red substance, what Sakura thought was blood, covered every available surface.

"Well," Hidan indicated the mess as if he was proud of it, "what do you think?"

Sakura shook her head. "Can you say 'biohazard'?"

"Have fun," Hidan chuckled, then exited the room.

Sakura still had her work cut out for her.


	4. Ravens

**Author's Note: Please review even if its something short! I love getting feedback!

* * *

**

Sakura spent the next day and a half cleaning the mess that was the infirmary. It was more challenging than expected due to the fact that people kept coming down and "helping."

"Oo! Oo! Tobi wants to help clean!"

"No, that's alright Tobi, I can do this myself-"

Tobi burst into song, picking up random from the pile and creating a new pile. "Clean up! Clean up! Everybody everywhere! Clean up! Clean up! Everybody do their share! Clean up-Yow!"

Tobi was holding his finger, a piece of glass with fresh blood at his feet. "Tobi! You have to be careful!" Sakura scolded. "There's lots of sharp objects and broken glass."

"Sorry! Will Cherry kiss Tobi's boo-boo?"

Sakura didn't kiss Tobi's boo-boo, and instead cleaned the cut, gave him a band aid and sent him on his way. "Why don't you go bother Sempai for a while?"

"Oo! Good idea!" Tobi skipped up the stairs and out of Sakura's hair. At least for now.

_Deidara will have something to say to me about that, _Sakura worried. Then she remembered this morning's episode and relaxed.

Later on, Kisame came down to bother Sakura. He claimed he was checking up on her for Leader, but Sakura thought otherwise; he kept picking up random chunks of glass and metal and tossing them across the room like a Frisbee.

"Hey! Hey! Check this out!" Kisame yelled as he lodged a huge metal shard into the only untouched cabinet in the room. "Lemme try with glass." The glass was poorly aimed and shattered on the counter close to Sakura.

"Just go tell Pain I'm doing just fine!" Sakura shouted, shooing Kisame away.

Even Sasori came down. He seemed to favor the verbally annoy tactic. "This is as far as you've gotten? I thought for sure you'd be almost finished. It's almost lunch time and you still haven't even touched those cabinets. What happened to that one? It was perfectly fine the last time I was down here. You had to wreck that one, too. Leave to a brat to take a mess and make and even bigger one. I've seen a monkey keep a room cleaner than you have. No, I've seen Tobi keep a room cleaner than you have. I've seen-"

"SHUT UP!" Sakura screeched, reminding herself of Konan. Sasori quieted down and Sakura went back to work in peace.

Unfortunately, Sasori just kept staring at Sakura, making her extremely self-conscious. She wondered if she should ask him to leave, too. Or tell him to leave.

"You know, if you actually helped me, then maybe I wouldn't be doing it wrong," Sakura pointed out to him.

Then he left without a word. _The Akatsuki are so strange. _Sakura thought to herself.

She carried the trash she had cleaned up thus far and brought it outside, where Pain had said it would "be disposed of." On her way back, Kakuzu stopped her.

"You need new cabinets?" he growled at her.

"Um…yeah," Sakura said, puzzled as to how he knew that. And why was he approaching her about it?

"Come. We'll discuss this over lunch." He waved her to follow him.

Sakura discovered that the room connect to the meeting room was actually the kitchen. The kitchen was rather large, and reminded Sakura of a kitchen you might see in a…castle. It had huge, old-fashioned wood block counters and bronze pots and pans hanging all over the place. The deep sink was piled with dirty dishes. A thick wooden table sat by the opposite wall of the counter. There was a door in the far wall next to the counters that appeared to lead to the backyard. Kakuzu lead Sakura to the table, where she seated herself.

"You want a sandwich or something?" Kakuzu asked Sakura begrudgingly.

"Uh, sure. Thanks."

"Make that two, un," Deidara said as he entered the room.

"No," Kakuzu refused.

Deidara sat down, annoyed. "Okay then. Geez, I thought since you were making one for her anyway…" He trailed off, then turned his attention to Sakura. "So, Cherry, how's the infirmary coming, hmm?"

"It's…coming."

Deidara smiled and shook his head. "It'll be a week, at least, before you get that thing finished."

"Why's that? I almost have it all cleaned up. I should have it done today, if I work double time." She involuntarily reminded herself of Lee.

Deidara cocked his head in Kakuzu's direction, where he was throwing together sandwiches at the counter. "He'll never let you have the money, yeah."

At that moment, Kakuzu came up to the table and slammed a rather skimpy looking turkey sandwich in front of Sakura. He sat his own plate at the seat across from hers, then turned to Deidara.

"Get out," he hissed at Deidara.

"What? But…"

"Out."

Deidara angrily crossed his arms, but got up to leave. "Fine." He muttered to himself all the way out of the room.

Kakuzu then turned his attention to Sakura, who was already tearing into her sandwich.

"So," he began, "You need cabinets?"

Sakura nodded. "I need all new supplies, too."

Kakuzu grumbled to himself. "How much?"

"Well I'll need some antibiotics, bandages,-"

"No. How much?"

Sakura realized he was talking about the cost. "Oh. Well, with the cabinets, probably around 1,500 ryo."

"How about 1,200 ryo?" Kakuzu haggled.

Sakura looked confused. "Huh?"

"1,300, then."

"_I'm _not actually selling anything!"

"1,350. Take it or leave it."

Sakura sighed. There was no reasoning with these people. "Alright. Fine."

Sakura thought she could almost see Kakuzu smile under his mask. "The cabinets should be in by tomorrow." He told her. He got up to leave, leaving his sandwich untouched.

Sakura was still a little dumbfounded, but glad that the cabinets and things she needed would not take as long as Deidara had foretold. She finished her lunch, cleaned up her plate and returned to the infirmary. She had cleared away most of the mess and just had to clean everything. As she worked, Pain and Konan arrived to see how she was doing.

"Wow," Konan said, looking around, "She's doing a pretty good job. She might be a keeper, Pain."

Pain just grunted. Apparently he was still apathetic about the whole "medical ninja" thing. Sakura was annoyed, but said nothing. She remembered something she wanted to ask him something.

"Uh, Pain? Is there anyway I can send a letter from here?"

He regarded her with his swirly orange eyes. "Homesick already?"

"A little…" Pain didn't need to know what Sakura was really here for.

"Yeah alright. Follow me."

Pain lead her to what looked like the entrance to the north tower. He opened a thick, rounded wood door with a rusty iron handle to reveal a spiraling staircase.

"Go up the stairs. The first door on the right will lead you to the roof, where the aviary is. You can use one of the messenger birds to send your letter. Without another word, he and Konan walked away.

Sakura peered up the stairs. It was a lot darker in the tower than the rest of the castle. She slowly ascended the stairs, for some reason holding on to the irrational fear that, if she moved too fast, she would get dizzy. She reached the door Sakura presumed Pain was talking about, but the stairs continued upward. Sakura wondered what was at the top. She took the door outside.

The door lead directly to the aviary, which was a wood structure with countless openings for birds to enter and exit as they please. Sakura was surprised to see the sun shining through the rafters after being cooped up in that gloomy castle for so long. She looked up at the dozens of birds perched on various outcroppings. Most of them were ravens, but she spotted a snoozing owl or two.

"Come to see the ravens?" Itachi startled Sakura, emerging from a group of birds in the corner. One of the ravens sat on his outstretched arm as he stroked it.

"Oh sorry. I didn't know anyone else would be up here," Sakura told him. "I'm actually here to send a letter. Do you have an eagle or something…"

"Actually, ravens are extremely intelligent. You might want to send one of them," Itachi advised, "If you can catch one." Sakura noticed his raven look at her with knowing eyes, surprised to see one of its eyes were blue, and one red.

She surveyed the birds, looking for an easy catch. Sakura spotted a sleeping one with an impressive head crest. She reached for it, but it jumped immediately out of her reach, as if it was faking sleep. She climbed up to it an tried again, but it leaped just out of arms reach. It cawed at her as if it was laughing.

She gave the bird a dirty look. Itachi hmm-ed (Which Sakura interpreted to be his version of laughing) and walked over to Sakura. "Why don't you just use Karasu for now," Itachi offered, presenting the bird on his arm. "Sasuke is a little out of your league."

Sakura blinked. "Who?"

"Sasuke," Itachi repeated, pointing at the laughing bird. "He's always just out of arm's reach. I can't seem to train him."

Sakura wanted to ask why Itachi would name one of his ravens after his little brother who hated him, but she was too afraid of what the answer would be. "Can you teach me how to get a bird then, in case I need one and you're not here?" Sakura requested.

Itachi pointed at a pair of sparkling eyed ravens without even looking at them. "Just try for Shisui or Obito. They like to play, so they'll come right to you." After that, Itachi sat Karasu on a nearby perch and walked away.

Sakura quickly tied the letter to Karasu and took him to the window to send him to the Leaf Village. She wasn't she why, but that encounter with Itachi had creeped her out. For some reason, the stare of all those ravens was now disconcerting, and, after sending the letter, rushed out of the room. As she descended the stairs, she could still hear Sasuke's laugh behind her.


	5. Patient Patience

**A/N: Wow, that last chapter was a lot creepier than I expected it to be. I'm an updating fool, so expect another chapter after this one this weekend. (I'm thinking of a Halloween chapter…What do you think?) Anyways, enjoy and review!

* * *

**

Sakura ended up eating dinner with the whole team for the first time. That was definitely an experience. It felt like eating a crazy, chaotic family meal, complete with creepy uncles and mutant cousins. They had chicken noodle soup, but Sakura thought that was the worst idea ever; everyone's laps ended up soaked with chicken broth. And evidently Deidara had made the meal tonight, because a few of the bowls exploded in people's faces, including Hidan (who cussed up a storm soon after), Konan (who joined in the chorus of cussing, albeit much louder) and Itachi (who said nothing, but Sakura noticed his sharingan glaring at Deidara, who had suddenly gotten very quiet…).

As soon as she finished her meal, Sakura ran out of the noisy meeting room (which apparently acted as a dining room too) and escaped to the quiet of her room to pass out.

Sakura awoke to find the bathroom pleasantly empty. She guessed Deidara had either learned his lesson, or else was too traumatized by Itachi's glare to get up. Either way, she took a comforting shower and walked to the kitchen for breakfast.

A few people were already in the kitchen. Sasori, still in his flannel Pjs, was leaning against the counter and Kisame, wearing a tee-shirt and boxers, sat slurping up a bowl of Count Chocula. Itachi was next to him, already fully clothed, with face practically in the newspaper he was reading.

"Morning, Cherry," Kisame sprayed between bites.

"Hmph," greeted Sasori.

"Good Morning," Sakura said to the room. She found the cereal and served herself.

"So, Cherry, how's the infirmary looking?" Kisame asked, flashing a shark-tooth smile.

"Pretty good," Sakura responded smugly, "All I need are the cabinets and supplies and I'm all set."

Kisame raised his eyebrows. "You'll never get them. We once had a medical nin for two months, and he couldn't finish the infirmary because Kakuzu wouldn't even look at him, much less speak with him about supplies. Of course, that guy had an actual salary we had to pay…"

"Actually," Sakura informed him matter-of-factly, "I've already spoken to Kakuzu. He said everything should be here today."

Kisame looked surprised, "Really? How'd you manage to do that?"

"He came to me."

Kisame was even more appalled. "That's not like Kakuzu. Openly spending money without being forced to? Maybe he didn't think you'd last that long…"

Itachi took a sip of his coffee and spoke, "It was Sasori who forced him. Right Sasori?"

The other two turned to look at Sasori who was slightly alarmed (only slightly). Sakura was shocked. "Did you really do that for me?"

Sasori looked uncomfortable. He shrugged, "You asked me to help, brat."

Sakura gave him a small smile which made him say, "What? Quit giving me that look!" Apparently the situation had become too awkward for Sasori, so he rushed to leave.

Kisame broke the following silence. "You better get out of here Cherry, before Dei, Tobi and Hidan get down here. Then you'll never get out of here."

She agreed and left for the infirmary. As Kakuzu had promised, new cabinets adorned the walls, filled with fresh supplies. Now she could finally get some real work done.

It turns out that real work was crappier than the work she was doing before. Her first patient was Pain. He walked in, showed his ear and asked, "Does this look infected to you?"

Sakura cleaned out the swollen piercing, then saw that the other piercings in close proximity to the infected one were turning red, too. She used up about six q-tips on Pain's ear alone. Kakuzu would not be pleased with her wastefulness.

After she sent Pain away, Hidan entered with a gash in his chest, spewing blood everywhere. "Fix this, bitch!"

"A please would be nice," she retorted, annoyed.

She quickly realized, over the next few days, that Hidan would be her most frequent visitor (other than Tobi with the occasional boo-boo). The first day alone he showed up five times. More often than not he was extremely inappropriate: he had reached for Sakura's butt several times. And apparently he didn't know how to cover a wound, because every time he came in, blood would gush all over the floor, and Sakura would have to clean that, too. She felt like this team needed two medical ninjas: one to follow Hidan around and one to take care of everybody else. She also discovered a rather important and scary fact: Hidan couldn't die.

"Hurry up and remove this! I gotta go pray to Jashin!" Hidan exclaimed, coming in for the hundredth time that week, clutching a sword that skewered his stomach.

"Will you calm down! And quit moving! I can't take this out with you squirming around!" Sakura was pretty much fed up with Hidan's verbal abuse. Eventually, she gave up trying not to hurt him and just yanked the sword out.

"Yow! Beotch!"

"Yeah, well, hold still next time." _Because there definitely will be a next time._

Sakura added that sword to the quickly growing pile of things she removed from Hidan, which included several kunai, an arrow _and _its bow, a toothbrush, a dollar fifty-two in change, a rubber ducky and one of Deidara's dud statues.

Sasori came in for the first time, which surprised Sakura because she didn't think puppets needed any kind of healing. But Sasori had managed to lose both of his arms, which carried in with his teeth.

"That looks problematic," Sakura pointed out.

Sasori hopped onto the examining table. "No kidding."

"I didn't expect to see you here."

"Yeah, well, Kakuzu's not here, so you were the only other option."

It only took Sakura a moment to get Sasori's first arm back in, which popped back in place like an action figure's arm.

Then Deidara stumbled in, which was another rare patient. He looked _green. _

"I don't feel so good, uuuuun…" Deidara sputtered, swaying in place.

Sakura became alarmed. Ditching Sasori's arm, she rushed to Deidara. "No no no no no, NO. Do not-" Deidara doubled over and blew red chunks from all three mouths all over the just-cleaned floor.

"Awwww, DEIDARA!"

"S-sorry, uuun." He stumbled over next to Sasori to sit down.

"What on earth did you eat Deidara?" Sasori asked.

"Rare steak and red Cool-Aid, uuun."

Sasori shook his head, "No wonder you threw up."

"Cherrrrrryyyyyyyy! Tobi needs-Wah!" Tobi rushed in, only to slip on the red barf and fall flat on his back. Sakura went to help him up. "Tobi feels bad…" He lifted his mask just in time to throw up all over Sakura.

A bewildered Sakura was rendered speechless. What was with Tobi and his tendency to cover her in his bodily fluids?

Just that minute, Pain entered the infirmary. "Hey I was just checking in-" his orange eyes grew huge. "Is that blood?"

"No." Sasori said calmly, "Deidara just threw up."

Then Pain added his chunks to the mix.

* * *

After two hours of thorough cleaning, Sakura went upstairs, heading for the shower. She was cover in three different colors of barf, smelled like rancid steak and was in an extremely bad mood. Then, the last person she wanted to see walked through the hallway.

"Whew! You smell like sh**!" Hidan's purple eyes scanned her appearance. "You look like sh**, too."

"Knock it off Hidan! I'm not in the mood!"

"Aw you're never in the mood," he whined, invading her personal bubble despite her stench, his face uncomfortably close to hers.

"Do you have any idea what I've had to go through? Three people threw up! Three! And guess who gets to clean it up. Not the ones who made the mess, no! Because that would make too much sense-" Sakura was cut off. Hidan was squeezing her butt.

"Nice ass, Cherry."

"I'll give you ass!" Sakura screamed. She power punched Hidan all the way down the hallway, where he tumbled to a stop right in front of Itachi, who had just entered the hallway from the nearby library.

"What'd you do this time Hidan?" Itachi sighed.

* * *

Sakura ended up having to go back to the infirmary to fix up Hidan, who had four broken ribs and needed forty-two stitches. Itachi had reported to a queasy Leader, who said he had no problem with Sakura beating Hidan up, as long as she healed him afterwards. So Sakura was stitching a nasty cut on Hidan's face.

"Don't you get it Cherry?" Hidan told her condescendingly, "I _enjoy _pain. So, even if you beat me up, you lose every time. Ow!"

Sakura "accidentally" jabbed Hidan in the eye.


	6. Monsters Miscellaneous

**A/N: I just realized Chapter two is mega long compared to the other chapters. I haven't decided how long I'm going to make this story either. I might make it an ongoing thing where I just add to it when inspiration strikes. Or not, I dunno. Anyhoo, cannon is completely blown out of the water in this chapter, but it's still good-I hope. Happy Halloween!**

Konan sauntered into the infirmary as Sakura was cleaning up Hidan's latest mess.

"I think I burned myself," Konan announced holding out her hand, "Does it look bad?"

Sakura sat down her cleaning supplies and examined it. "It's only second-degree. It'll blister, but nothing too serious. Here, let me get some ointment…" Sakura rummaged through the cabinets.

"So, Sakura, what are you being tomorrow?" Konan asked.

"Huh? Being?"

"Well yeah, tomorrow's Halloween. What are you going to dress up as?"

Sakura was going to mention how everyday felt like Halloween in this crazy castle, but though it might seem insulting. "What do you think I should be?"

Konan shrugged. "Anything you like. You can go for a classic scary costume like a witch or a vampire, or maybe something more modern like Lady Gaga or something."

"What are you going to dress as Konan?"

"I have a couple ideas, but if we go trick-or-treating again this year, I don't think I should be a slutty nurse. I was a slutty vampire last year, and I never heard the end of it. Hidan had a field day with that one."

"Wait, you guys go trick-or-treating? Where?" Sakura assumed they were pretty much in the middle of nowhere. What house would give candy to nine full-grown men and a slutty vampire anyway?

"There's a village not too far away from here. They're big into Halloween. They used to not let us trick-or-treat-they thought we were too old-but we…persuaded them otherwise," Konan said in a threatening way.

Konan had a point: Sakura couldn't imagine refusing a giant man-eating plant and a shark-man their yearly candy.

Sakura wrapped up Konan's burn and Konan got up to leave. "See ya around Sakura. Think about what costume you're going to choose."

* * *

Sakura ended up going with a classic: a vampire. She found a cute red and black knee-length dress that looked very spooky, and a cool cape to match. She wore black and white striped stockings and perfected the look with plenty of dark make-up, fangs and a sassy hairdo. Black streaks added to her pink hair.

It was Halloween evening, and Sakura strolled down to the foyer where everyone was suppose to meet. Already there were Hidan, Sasori and Kisame. Hidan was screeching with laughter and pointing at Kisame.

"Oh my Jashin, you had to choose the lamest costume ever!" Hidan jeered.

Kisame crossed his arms, his usual grin absent. "Actually Hidan, I happen to be one of the coolest characters in Marvel comics."

Sakura looked at Kisame's costume, which was red and yellow with a glowing circle in the center of the chest: an Iron Man costume.

"Plus," Kisame added, "Since we always act in character, I get to act like Robert Downy, Jr.!"

"Actually, Iron Man's true identity is technically Tony Stark…"

"Shut up Sasori! No one asked you!" Kisame yelled, "What are _you_ supposed to be anyways?"

Sasori was wearing a Metallica concert tee and a pair of jeans. "I'm an adult's worst nightmare," he whispered ominously.

Sakura gulped. "What's that?"

"A…_teenager_." Dun, dun, dun.

"And Hidan called _my_ costume lame."

"Hey guys!" Konan greeted. Walking next to her was Deidara, dressed in a witch's costume.

Hidan busted out laughing. "Deidara, I knew you were girly but _geez_. You're dressed like a f***ing girl!"

Sakura looked at Deidara quizzically. "Yeah Deidara, what are you dressed as?"

Deidara crossed his arms and pouted. "I'm Sarah Sanderson, okay? Sasori and Kisame were _supposed _to dress as Winifred and Mary Sanderson so we'd be the Sanderson sisters, but nooo, un. Instead, Kisame's Iron Fish, Sasori, my man, is nothing, and I look like a complete douche!"

Sakura tried to comfort him. "I think your costume looks great."

Deidara mumbled a thanks, fumbling with his purply robe.

Konan regarded Hidan, "Hidan, a skeleton _again_?"

"What? This look works for me," he said. Hidan's entire body was painted like a skeleton and he wore a tattered looking suit and top hat.

"It's an improvement from last year," Sasori pointed out.

"What was he last year?" Sakura asked Kisame.

"A skeleton stripper."

"Quit ripping on my costume bitch! What're you anyway? You sure don't look like a slutty fill-in-the-blank. "

Konan did a little twirl in her patchwork costume. "I'm Sally Stitch."

The boys all stared at her like she was crazy.

Konan groaned. "From Nightmare Before Christmas. The female Kakuzu."

"Ooohhhhhhh," everyone said as they quickly realized the character she was referring to.

"Boing! Boing! Boing!" shouted Tobi, as he bounded into the room wearing a Tigger costume. "Oo, Cherry-chan! Your costume is pretty!"

"Thanks Tobi!" Sakura said, truly appreciating the compliment.

Pain followed Tobi into the room wearing his Akatsuki cloak, as per usual.

Konan scolded him. "Oh come on, Pain. At least Sasori came up with some kind excuse for his 'costume.' What's your's?"

Pain shrugged. "Candy-passer-outer?" Konan sighed.

"You could put on a concert tee-shirt, carry around drum sticks and pass for a punk rocker," Sakura offered.

"I told you. I'm on candy duty. Someone's got to hold down the fort while you all go trick-or-treating."

Sakura wondered what kind of kid would come all the way out to the middle of the creepy forest, up to a sinister castle, on Halloween of all nights, just to get a piece of candy that may or may not explode. But Sakura figured he _was _the leader, so she didn't argue with him.

Zetsu materialized behind Hidan. "Boo!"

"What the f***? You scared the sh** outta me!"

"Sorry, it was **too good to resist,**" Zetsu explained. He scanned the enraged Hidan. "**Skeleton again?**"

"Shut the f*** up!"

Zetsu shook his head. "I guess it's better than a skeleton stripper."

Zetsu wore a red jacket and red pants, which surprised Sakura; she had expected him to be something super scary, with blood and gore and everything. So scary she would pee her pants. "Zetsu, what are you dressed as?"

"Michael Jackson **from Thriller.**"

Sakura suddenly recognized the outfit from the King of Pop's famous music video. "Huh. That's funny Zetsu. I pegged you as more of a horror costume type."

"**What? Because I have two halves and talk to myself? Because I have a scary plant mouth? Why would you automatically assume I want to be scary?**"

"Oh…no reason…just personality…?" Zetsu's costume wasn't scary, but Sakura still felt like peeing her pants at the sight of him.

Apparently Zetsu seemed satisfied with that answer. "Where's Kakuzu?"

Sakura looked around. "I don't know-Ah!" Sakura was startled by the stitched-up man who suddenly appeared behind her. Kakuzu stood without his mask, messy black hair lose. He wasn't dressed in any kind of costume, but Sakura thought he hardly needed to.

"Ugh, skeleton again, Hidan?" Kakuzu spat.

Hidan just growled and flipped up his middle finger.

Konan surveyed the group. "We're all here except Itachi."

"I think he's in the kitchen," Kisame informed her, putting on his Iron Man mask.

"I'll go get him," Sakura volunteered. She hurried down the south corridor to the kitchen.

When she pulled open the door, she saw something that shocked her more than anything she had seen during her time with the Akatsuki. Her heart threatened to pound out of her chest. Her pulse raced. Standing in the kitchen doorway, in the shirt and shorts he wore the day he left the village, was Sasuke Uchiha.

"S-Sasuke…"

"Hmm?" he responded casually.

"W-what….what are you doing here?"

"I live here," answered Itachi's voice. It was coming from Sasuke.

Sakura shook her head, thinking she was hearing things. "Itachi?"

"Yes?" Sasuke asked calmly.

Sakura was speechless. She was looking at Itachi Uchiha who had apparently decided to dress as Sasuke Uchiha for Halloween. The result was Itachi looking exactly like his little brother. Sakura tried to calm herself down, but her heart continued to pound.

"The, uh, the others are waiting…for you," she stammered.

"Okay," he said, walking past her down the hallway. Sakura silently followed.

When they made it to the foyer, Itachi (or Sasuke?) took his place next to Kisame, who leaned over to Itachi and whispered, "You're pretty messed up, you know that?"

"What? **Anime characters can cosplay, too,**" Zetsu protested.

Pain stood at the head of the group. "Okay, here are the rules-"

"Can you call them guidelines, un? 'Rules' makes it sound like we're not gonna have fun."

Pain sighed, "Here are the 'guidelines'" he announced. "No stealing candy. From anyone. No crashing Halloween parties. Hidan that means you. No alcohol. Again, Hidan, that means you. No eating people. No explosives. No glomping. No party boying. And above all, stick with your partner. Hidan, THAT MEANS YOU. Oh and Sakura, since I'm not going you can stick with Konan."

Sakura was instantly relieved. If she had been forced to spend the night with any of these freak shows…it probably would've ended badly. But Konan was normal. Sort of.

* * *

The evening air was cool as they arrived at the nearby village. Children were already milling along the street, dressed as everything from witches and werewolves to Hannah Montana and Justin Bieber.

"Let's go Hidan! We have to get our money's worth!" Kakuzu called as he darted ahead, dragging a cussing Hidan behind. Sakura was sure neither of them had paid anything for their costumes.

Every house the Akatsuki approached was instantly cleared of children. They obviously knew the Akatsuki because they gave handfuls of the best candy to the members. Sakura never scored this big back in Konoha. Unfortunately, despite Konan being her temporary partner, she repeatedly ended up walking next Sas-er, Itachi. He was creeping her out more than anything that night.

"Trick or Tree!" Tobi exclaimed.

Deidara rolled his eyes. "It's 'Trick or Treat,' hmm."

"That's what Tobi said, 'Trick or Tree!'"

"Whatever, hmm."

"**Hey look, it's Kakuzu. **Looks like we caught up."

Kakuzu was leaning against a fence with two overstuffed bags at his feet. Candy was spilling out of them.

Konan approached him. "Where's Hidan?"

"He got lost."

"Got LOST?" Konan repeated. "What did Pain say before we left? Stick with your partner! That's what he said! The number one rule!"

"Those are more like guidelines, anyway," Kakuzu grunted.

"Doesn't matter! If it was someone like…like…Sakura, then maybe I would understand. But _Hidan?_ Hidan! We are talking about the same guy right?"

Kakuzu pointed at a huge house that was lavishly decorated and bouncing with blaring music. "I think he's in there."

_Of course he is, _Sakura thought.

The gang walked up to the front of the house. It looked chaotic, with drunken costumed people strewn across the lawn and people party boying in every available space in the house.

"Okay everyone, STAY RIGHT HERE," Konan instructed, "I'm going in to find Hidan. Then we're leaving."

All the boys looked longingly at the party that Konan entered. Sakura thought she saw Kisame drooling under his mask.

"Let's go in, yeah."

"NO," Sakura disagreed. "You heard Konan. And besides, Pain's rules said 'No party crashing.'"

"They're more like guidelines anyway," Sasori pointed out. The group approached the party.

"_Sasori!_" Sakura chided, "C'mon guys! Zetsu? Sas-Itachi? Someone talk some sense into these guys!"

"C'mon Cherry! Live a little, un!"

Sakura considered staying outside, like Konan had told them. She decided it would be suicide to let those nut jobs go into a crazy party unsupervised. So, she shoved and elbowed her way into the mass of slut fill-in-the-blanks and miscellaneous monsters. The whole time she searched for the boys. She spotted Kisame doing the robot with a playboy bunny.

"Kisame! Let's go!" She shouted over the music.

"No way! I'm having fun!"

"No Kisame! Pain is not going to be happy!"

"Pain's not here!"

"_I'm_ not going to be happy!"

"Look, Cherry, this is the one day out of the year that we can go to parties like this and not get stared out of there. Just let us enjoy it okay?"

Kisame then party boyed his way through the crowd, out of Sakura's sight. Sakura resolved to grab whoever would listen to her and get heck out of there. She found Sasori cowering in a corner by the slimy green punch.

"Let's get out of here!" Sakura yelled at him.

"Okay…" he agreed happily (as happy as Sasori can get) and quickly huddled behind her, grabbing her cape so as not to lose her.

They bumped into Tobi, who was crowd surfing. When Sakura got her hands on him, she grabbed him and tugged him down.

"Does Cherry want to crowd surf next?"

"No thanks, Tobi," replied a determined Sakura. She was now trucking anyone in her way in her rush for the exit. She was pretty sure she heard a drunken Hidan on the mike, but she was too focused to be certain. Sooner or later, Hidan would snap, and she didn't want to be there when it happened.

At last Sakura broke free of the mob of drunkenness and pulled the two she had to safety out on the sidewalk. She about had a heart attack when Itachi shuffled up to where they stood. He said nothing, but if Itachi had escaped the madness of his own accord, then something bad was about to happen. She looked back at the party, wondering what she should do next.

Suddenly, the party house was in an uproar of screams, and everyone was rushing to exit the cramped house. An evil laugh escaped the house into the night air-Sakura was certain it was Hidan's. She spotted Zetsu growing out of the front lawn. Then Deidara appeared on the roof. His cape flowed dramatically in the wind and he started yelling:

Pickled toad skin and newt's eye,

I hear screams of fear pierce the night sky!

We're gathered here on All Hallows Eve, un

And I have arrived to add to the fun!

So watch closely and put away your fangs!

Because I'm here to tell you that ART IS A BANG!

The house exploded and burst into flames as Deidara cackled on top. The party guests were either freaking out or complimenting the special effects of the party, thinking it was all planned. Konan came up to Sakura dragging the remaining members.

"Hidan's the only one we're missing!" Konan told Sakura.

Then Tobi pointed excitedly at the house. "Look! Look! There's Hidan!"

Sakura looked back and saw Hidan engulfed in flames chasing whoever happened to cross his path.

"Maybe we should just leave him," Sasori suggested.

Sakura growled, "I'll get him." She started sprinting towards him.

Sakura's chakra-filled fist connected with Hidan's jaw, effectively knocking him out.

Kakuzu lifted Hidan, now extinguished, and flung him over onto his shoulder. And the Akatsuki bolted.

Needless to say, Pain was not happy his guidelines had been ignored.

* * *

**Here's all their costumes:**

**Sakura-a classic female vampire**

**Kisame-Iron Man, he kinda represented popular super hero costumes in general**

**Sasori-He's not technically wearing a costume, but his cover is "teenager"**

**Hidan-Skeleton, He's using his skeleton jutsu thing, Sakura just calls it "paint" because she doesn't know about his jutsu (And you do realize everything is presented from Sakura's view right?)**

**Deidara-Sarah Sanderson, the blonde Sanderson sister from one of my fav Halloween movies, Hocus Pocus. Winifred and Mary are the other two sisters**

**Konan-Sally Stitch from Nightmare Before Christmas**

**Tobi-Tigger from Winnie the Pooh**

**Pain-Candy-passer-outer**

**Kakuzu-Himself, without the mask**

**Itachi-Sasuke, pre-Shippuden. Special thanks to Yuti-Chan for the inspiration on this one**

**I'd love some fan art for this chapter! It would be EPIC! **


	7. Profiling

**A/N: Seriously guys. I really want some fan art for the last chapter. Please! In case anyone cares, I'm gonna write frequent updates about what I'm up to on my profile page. Okay, in this chapter, I'm trying to advance the plot a little, so its not my usual funny. Review and/or PM to let me know how I did! *coughcough fan art cough***

Sasuke's cackle filled the aviary, as it did every time Sakura entered the room. Upon going to send her forth report since staying there, Sakura saw Obito the raven waving an envelope around. _Hmm. I wonder if it's from Lady Tsunade._

She extracted the letter from the raven's beak and spotted the Hidden Leaf Village symbol sealing it. She eagerly ripped it open. She was relieved to see her master's familiar handwriting. It was nice to see something of home in this freak show castle, which sometimes made her feel like she was losing her sanity. The letter read:

Sakura,

Excellent work gathering intel. Though your reports are becoming increasingly strange, they've given us more info about the Akatsuki than ever before. Not much has been discovered here, though attacks are occurring closer to home. I want you to continue surveying them to see if they are behind the attacks, for the time being. They are the best lead we have. In your next report, I'd like to see a full profile of each Akatsuki member, to insure it isn't just one among their ranks. Please include name, ring position, abilities, and any other important facts I need to know. Just be cautious Sakura. This info isn't worth your life.

Lady Tsunade

Sakura was hoping for a better update on happenings at home, and the one that was there was worrying. But she guessed that no news is good news. She hoped.

_So, Lady Tsunade wants me to profile each of the Akatsuki?_ Sakura pondered,_ That's a taller order than she thinks. _

Lucky for Sakura, after the Halloween incident, the entire Akatsuki had been confined to their respective rooms. Everyone except herself, Konan, and Pain, the two members whose profiles' would be most challenging. She had better get started on the others first.

Sakura headed past her room to Deidara's room, thinking he would be the most open about himself. He never had reservations about his opinions, so why should he start now? His door displayed a colorful, abstract carving. She gave the artsy door a sharp knock. No response. She tried again, this time louder.

"He's not there," a voice growled. Sakura had to look down to find the source; Sasori was huddled in his Hiruko puppet, strolling down the corridor as if the Akatsuki were, in fact, not being punished.

Sakura decided to bypass this fact, if only to save time. "Where is he then?" she asked the crouching puppet.

"In his studio," he replied.

"And where are _you_ going?"

"_My_ studio."

Sakura shuddered involuntarily. The thought of Sasori's studio was a disturbing thought indeed; it was, no doubt, where he kept his puppet collection. Hiruko glided down the hall, and Sakura made the last second decision to follow him. To get into either one of their studios might give some good info and help the Leaf Village. It was too good an opportunity to pass up.

Sakura knew they were walking in the south wing, where her, Deidara, Sasori, Pain and Konan's rooms were located. Kakuzu, Hidan, Itachi, and Kisame all inhabited the north wing. Tobi apparently had one of the towers all to himself, probably the north one. Sakura wasn't sure where Zetsu's room was. The south tower maybe? Sakura was getting more and more familiar with the castle, also an invaluable asset should the Leaf need to infiltrate the Akatsuki base. She made a conscious decision to include a detailed map and directions in her next report as well.

As they reach the third floor of the south wing, Hiruko turned into a set of dark double doors and slammed them shut before Sakura even reached them. _I guess I'm not talking to Sasori first._ The double doors across the hall were a brilliant white, in stark contrast to Sasori's door. Sakura assumed this was Deidara's studio. She went up and knocked on the door.

"It's open, un!" She heard from behind the doors. She grasped the bronze handle and opened the door.

Inside, Sakura could tell that the room used to be mostly white, much like the door was. But the bright white had been marred by countless black marks where she was sure Deidara had been playing with his bombs. There were tables upon tables of unexploded statues, most of them animals with hollow eyes. He seemed to like making birds the best, because Sakura saw dozens of types of birds: eagles, swans, ducks, owls, and countless types of songbirds. She wondered why these, along with the other animals, hadn't been blown up yet.

Sakura crept further into the room looking for the eccentric artist, and notice other kinds of art, too. Paintings propped up on easels were scattered around the room. A table was piled high with sketches of various scenes, among which Sakura spotted a duplicate of the mural in the foyer. Sakura wondered if Deidara himself had painted it.

Continuing into the studio, Sakura froze as she saw a brick wall in the middle of the room. On the wall was a painting of ravens, soaring against the full moon background. Sakura recognized a couple of them; Some of them were Itachi's ravens, each of their unique characteristics displayed perfectly on the artwork. They seemed so lifelike, so _real,_ that Sakura wanted to go up and touch the painting, just to be sure she wasn't crazy and it was just Sasuke playing another of his tricks. She walked closer to the painting, arm outstretched, and just before her fingers brushed the wall…

BOOM! It exploded right in her face. Sakura was propelled backwards by the force of the explosion. BOOM! BOOM! The wall blew up twice more. Chunks of brick were raining down all over the room.

Sakura was suddenly caught just before she splat on the ground. "Aww yeah!" Deidara shouted triumphantly. The tips of his blonde hair were smoldering.

Sakura found herself in the pyromaniac's arms, hanging limply. She punched Deidara over the head before struggling out of his grasp.

"Are you CRAZY! Why would you just blow something up like that? INDOORS?" Sakura was livid.

Deidara shrugged. "That's why I have my own studio isn't it? Besides, you're the one who walked in, hmm."

Sakura began brushing of the rubble clinging to her pink clothing. She retorted angrily, "You aren't even supposed to be here anyway. The Akatsuki are all grounded to their rooms remember?"

"You aren't in your room either, hmm."

"_I'm _not in the Akatsuki," Sakura reminded him.

Deidara rolled his eye, "Right. Sure. Just keep telling yourself that, hmm."

Sakura ignored him. She was gazing at the pile of wreckage that was once a beautiful piece of art.

"Why'd you blow up your mural anyway?" Sakura wondered, "It was beautiful…"

Deidara stared at the ruins with a kind of excitement lighting up his blue-green eye. "Its been there for at least a month. I decided to make it real art."

"By blowing it up?"

"Yep."

"What about all that hard work you put into painting it?"

Deidara waved his hand, tongue flailing. "I can always paint another. Besides, true art only lasts a moment, a moment that people never forget. You won't ever forget that moment will ya?"

Sakura was puzzled, but still agreed. "I guess not."

Deidara smiled, then went over to the rubble and started clearing it away. Sakura knew this was her chance to ask him about his abilities, to gather information for the profile.

"So, Dei," she said, casually helping him clean up. "Would you say you're the best with explosives in the Akatsuki?"

"The best?" he blurted incredulously. "I'm the _only _explosives specialist."

"Are you good at anything else?"

"Art, un."

_No duh, _Sakura thought, wanting so badly to say it to his face. She couldn't mess this up though. This was important. "What about any jutsu…?"

"All of my jutsu are art, un." he stated simply.

Sakura groaned internally and gave up. Apparently Deidara was only good a blowing crap up. She sat down on a hunk of brick staring silently at the wall.

She saw something interesting on the wall. The number three. She wondered what significance a three had to Deidara. She walked up to the three and noticed there was more written, most of it covered in soot. She rubbed at the wall, revealing more curly, cursive letters painted on the white walls. It read: "3. Art is an explosion!"

"What's this?" Sakura called. Deidara looked up from his work.

"That's my motto, hmm."

"Yeah, but what's with the three?"

"Rule number three," Deidara declared, sounding like he was reading from a textbook, "Art is an explosion."

"_That's _rule number three?" Sakura gaped.

"Yes. Well, sort of," Deidara reaffirmed. "It's my version of the rule."

"Version?"

"Yeah, it's different for everyone, hmm."

Before Sakura could ask him more about it, she heard the door slam open and footsteps rush in. She saw Sasori power-walking up to where she and Deidara stood. He was out of his puppet, but it still didn't make him any less creepy.

"I thought you might be here. We need your help," he demanded, tugging on Sakura's arm and leading her out of the studio.

"Wait, what? Me?" Sakura stammered.

"See ya, Cherry! Have fun, hmm."

Sakura guessed her report on Deidara was over.

Name: Deidara

Age: 19

Style: Long range

Specialty: Explosives

Other abilities: Art…

Sakura was dragged into the black door across the hall, into the dark lair of Sasori. Inside, instead of the bright walls of Deidara's studio, everything was pitch black. Everything was dark, only minimal light was coming from the lamps hanging from the high ceiling. There was just enough light for Sakura to see that she was being guided through rows of puppets, lining aisles that reached up to the ceiling. They hung by their string, mouths hanging open, with blank stares not unlike Sasori himself.

At the back of the room, Sakura and Sasori at last emerged from the puppets and entered a back room. The room was lit much better than the storage area, but was still disturbing. It was similar to the infirmary, with cabinets lining the walls, counter space with various medical tools and an examination table in the middle. Only instead, the tools were bloody, among them Sakura saw needles and other weapons. The cabinets were open to reveal a plethora of poisons and preservatives. And on the examination table, a dead body sat, cut open to reveal the organs inside.

Sakura was in the room Sasori made his puppets.

It took all of her willpower not to vomit right there. She was thankful that the body's face was covered; she couldn't bear to see someone she knew on the table, dead.

Kakuzu was in the room, hunched over the body, examining it. Sasori ushered Sakura closer to the cadaver against her will. "W-what seems to be the problem?" she managed to say, trying to keep from quivering.

Kakuzu started rattling off data about the dead body. "Male, 5'10, 190. Died of kunai wounds, probably a rogue ninja fight. I found him on my way back from a mission."

"And the problem is…" Sakura said, waiting for more.

"The problem is…oh just come over and look." Kakuzu beckoned. Sakura came peered into the dissected body.

Kakuzu indicated several lumps lining the guy's organs. The growths seemed to intrude upon the rest of the visceral mass, squishing the organs so they were almost flat. They were colored oddly, almost bright purple.

"We think they're tumors," Sasori told Sakura, appearing at her side, "But we've never seen any this big. Or that color."

Sakura pulled on gloves and examined the lumps. They were definitely tumors, Sakura could discern that much. But the manner in which they grew-fat, bulbous, purple clusters-was completely foreign to Sakura.

"You're right. They're tumors," she affirmed. "But they don't seem natural. Almost like-"

"Like some kind of jutsu." Sasori finished, his eyes wide with realization. Kakuzu just hmm-ed.

"I can run some diagnostic tests on them later if you want," Sakura offered. She grabbed a scalpel and went to remove the tumors.

A scarred hand grabbed hers. "Don't damage the other organs." Kakuzu growled menacingly.

"Don't worry," she told him, though she was secretly worrying herself, "this is my specialty."

He let her go. "Yeah, well it was _supposed _to be ours, too." he mumbled.

Sakura was attentive now. More abilities! She was careful not to seem too excited. "Really? What specialty is that?"

"Anatomy. Me and Sasori work more with dead people than live people, it seems."

Sakura shivered at that eerie prospect. "Which one of you is better, do you think?"

"I am," they both said simultaneously. They glared at each other.

"I mean," Sakura corrected, trying to avoid a fight, "you're both good, but which one is the go-to guy? Who does Pain go to about anatomy?"

They both returned their gazes to Sakura, who was speaking while trying to concentrate on cutting the purple tumors. "You." Sasori answered.

"Wha?" Sakura accidentally ripped out the tumor she had been sawing at. "Me?"

"Why do you think we need a medical ninja from the Leaf?" Kakuzu asked rhetorically.

"Everything we learn about the human anatomy is from dead bodies," Sasori pointed out, "You're actually trained. On live people."

Sakura had never thought of herself as being an option in her question. But she supposed Sasori had a point. Pain probably would go to Sakura about anything medical.

Sakura finished removing the tumors and placed them in a jar Sasori offered. She would run the tests on them later. Sasori hurried her out of the room, telling her to wait for him, mumbling something about "not wanting to see this." Sakura figured they were removing the organs. She didn't really want to see that, especially after seeing the way Kakuzu eyed the organs like a ravenous dog.

She stuck close to the door though, the puppets all staring at her from their hooks. Sakura spotted what looked like some kind of museum display. She wandered over towards it.

It _was _a display, apparently showing off Sasori's favorite puppets. Hiruko sat, tail drawn in a menacing demonstration of his primary weapon. Next to him were a pair of puppets Sakura didn't recognize-two women, posed together like dancers, wearing elegant green kimonos and wielding golden fans. Sakura immediately recognized the third Kazekage, with his iron sand in rigid spines behind him. Sasori must've restored it from when she had destroyed it, as it looked undamaged.

Sakura saw a glass case with the display. The puppets inside were ones she also recognized; A man with red hair and a woman with long dark hair. Sakura didn't expect to see them in Sasori's collection again: the Mother and the Father, the same puppets Lady Chiyo had used to fight Sasori. His first puppets.

The glass case had a gold plate with a caption at the bottom: "3. Art is eternal beauty"

Sasori walked up to Sakura just as she was reading the gold plate.

"What do you think of my collection?" he asked her, "These are my favorite puppets."

"Why do you have…?" Sakura trailed off, pointing at the Mother and Father puppets.

Sasori gazed at them. "They were my first puppets, after all. And Granny Chiyo seemed to care about them…"

He stared at the puppets for a long time. Sakura thought he was frozen he remained so still. Kakuzu interrupted the silence, dragging three large coolers behind him.

"Come help carry these to my room, Cherry," he ordered.

Sakura went to help him, but peeked at Sasori again just before they exited the room. He was still staring at the puppets even as she walked out.

Name: Sasori of the Red Sand

Age: 35

Style: Creeper

Specialty: Human Puppets

Other abilities: Puppet ability…he's a puppet

Kakuzu steered Sakura to the north wing, heaving two hefty coolers. Sakura lugged her one cooler, pondering about the contents.

"So…there are organs in here, right?" Sakura asked.

It took Kakuzu five minutes, before he answered, "Yes."

"Do you work with Sasori a lot?"

Again, a moment, before he responded, "Only when he has a new body he wants to make into a puppet. Then I harvest the organs."

They passed the giant library double doors, then the plain door of Kakuzu's room and halted just past that, in front of a thick metal door. Kakuzu open the heavy door and entered. The room must've been some kind of walk-in freezer, because Sakura felt ice cold wind rush out and roll over her warm skin. That's something nice to have in your castle: a walk-in freezer with extra organs, right by the library. Kakuzu didn't seem affected by the cold. He dragged the coolers in and took the one from Sakura as she entered. Sakura saw rows of shelves lined with various organs in containers. The other side of the room was filled with preserved organs floating in different colored jars.

"What do you do with all these organs?" Sakura wondered.

"Sell'em or sew'em."

"What?"

"I either sell them on the black market-a kidney goes for a pretty high price you know-or, if I like them enough, I sew them."

"To…"

"My body."

Sakura shivered. "Gross!"

"Sell'em or sew'em." Kakuzu repeated, busying himself with storing the contents of the coolers.

"What kind of jutsu do you use again?"

"Everything."

Name: Kakuzu

Age: Old curmudgeon

Style: Everything

Specialty: Sewing stuff to his body

Other abilities: Making money

Sakura hurried through the corridor, searching for Hidan's room. Kakuzu had directed her one floor above, and now she was walking through a hallway with one wall of stained glass windows. Each window depicted the symbol of Jashin: a circle with an upside-down triangle in it. Hidan must've had the whole hallway to himself. Sakura didn't blame the others for wanting to stay as far from the sadist as possible. He caused Sakura herself nothing but trouble.

Sakura knocked on the first door she encountered, a set of doors with the Jashin symbol etched into them. "Hello?"

No answer. Sakura pushed the door slowly open, peering inside. What she saw looked like a church. A demented church. Pews were drug about the room, most of them coated in blood. Smears of blood lead all the way down the aisle. Where you would normally see a giant cross with Jesus on it, instead there was a massive circle with a triangle in it. It reminded Sakura of the way the infirmary looked before she repaired it. She could only imagine what Hidan's actual room looked like.

She closed that door and walked further down the hallway. She saw another door, also with the Jashin symbol. Sakura knocked on it.

"What?" Hidan yelled, annoyed.

"Come out here for a sec. I need to ask you something."

She heard Hidan rush for the door and it quickly flung open.

"What the hell do you want, Cherry?"

Hidan was wearing his giant, red, triple-bladed scythe…and nothing else.

"Aw Hidan! Put some pants on!" Sakura chided, attempting to shield her eyes.

"Did you come all the way up here just to tell me what to do?" Hidan demanded, not moving to put any clothes on.

"No! Just, it would be decent…"

"Do I look like f***ing decent guy to you?"

Sakura knew he had a point. She tried to focus on his face when she asked him her questions. "What are some of your abilities?"

"Abilities? Well, I'm a pretty good f***er…"

"NO," Sakura stopped him quickly, "I mean, like jutsu and stuff."

"Oh," Hidan said. He walked back into his room, leaving Sakura wondering whether it would be a good idea to follow him or not. Probably not, but Sakura followed anyways, keeping on her toes. Tsunade owed her one for this.

Sakura was surprised that Hidan's room looked relatively normal. Sure, there were skulls and various other bones lying around, and the Jashin symbol covered every available space on the walls, but other than that, yeah. Perfectly normal.

Hidan was putting on pants, to Sakura's relief. She didn't think she could take staring directly at Hidan's violet eyes and not looking at…_other _things.

Now that Sakura was thinking about it, she wondered why Hidan had such a unique eye color. "Hidan," she said, unable to contain her curiosity, "How'd your eyes get to be that color?"

"Ocular albinism," he answered.

"Huh?"

"Google it."

"Ew. Hidan, why do have to say something dirty all the time?"

Hidan looked confused. "What'd I say?"

"Don't make me repeat it!" Sakura yelled.

Hidan was getting angry. "I didn't say anything dirty! Look, do you want to learn about my jutsu or not?"

Sakura dropped the subject, intent on hearing his abilities.

"I have curse jutsu that makes me a living voodoo doll," he explained.

"…That's it?"

"That's all I need! It's a awesome, bad-ass, Jashin jutsu that lets me share my opponent's pain," he said with a creepy smile. "Now get out of my room. I gotta pray!"

Sakura left without a fight. She was so done with this profiling thing!

Name: Hidan

Age: 22

Style: Immortal Idiocy

Specialty: Voodoo doll justu

Other abilities: Using a big-ass scythe on a rope; Ocular albinism; Cussing like a sailor; Being a slob; oh, and he's immortal


	8. Movie Night

**A/N: Hey guys! Sorry for the delay of update! I just haven't felt like writing, and if I'm gonna write about the Akatsuki, my heart's gotta be in it. So I'm back now! Please review, I love hearing your comments about the story!

* * *

**

"Let's watch a movie!" Kisame exclaimed.

"Oh that sounds fun, yeah," Deidara agreed. "Movie Night!"

That prompted Tobi to begin chanting. "Movie Night! Movie Night! Movie Night!"

Sakura sighed. They were currently in the middle of a long, _boring_ meeting and many of the members' ADD was showing through.

"Look guys, we _have _to do this!" Pain told them for the millionth time, once again being interrupted in the middle of his Leaf Village update.

"Movie Night! Movie Night!"

"You can't tell us what the f*** to do! We do whatever the hell we want!" Sakura had to agree with Hidan on this account; even if she wished it weren't true.

"Movie Night! Movie Night!"

"Hidan! SIT DOWN!" Konan barked.

"Make me, bitch!"

Hidan was suddenly being strangled back into his seat by links of paper. Konan made him sit down alright. The whole situation was reminding Sakura why she had decided to take a break from her interviewing.

"Okay, so back to the news…" Pain continued.

"Movie Night! Movie Night! Movie Night!"

"It seems the Leaf is still having problems-"

"Movie Night! Movie Night! Movie Night!"

"-with this 'phantom menace'"

"It's Darth Sidious." Deidara commented.

"Wha…" Pain shot him a baffled look.

"The Phantom Menace is Darth Sidious, hmm."

"Right," Pain rolled his eyes, "Anyways, they're investigating everywhere they can so we better keep on our toes-"

"MOVIE NIGHT! MOVIE NIGHT! MOVIE NIGHT!"

"For the love of Jashin, Tobi, SHUT THE F*** UP!"

"Tobi is a good boy! Tobi wants to watch a movie!" Tobi continued his chanting over waves of protest. Pain tried his best to continue the meeting, over all the noise, but to little success.

"**Can we just watch a damn movie?** Please," Zetsu pleaded.

So, on that Saturday night, the entire Akatsuki and Sakura gathered in the living room, crowded on a cushy, stained couch, trying to decide what movie they were going to watch. The living room was a place Sakura generally avoided because of the chaos that seemed to buzz within it at all times.

"How about Finding Nemo?" Kisame suggested.

"No," Itachi said.

"Jaws?"

"No."

"Umm…Free Willie?"

"No."

"Ocean's Eleven?"

"…"

"Can you choose one that _doesn't_ have to do with fish?" Pain requested.

"That last one didn't, un."

Tobi dove into the pile of DVDs everyone was rifling through. "Tobi wants this one!" Tobi triumphantly held out his DVD of choice: the Tigger Movie.

"I like Kisame's pick," Kakuzu said, "Ocean's Eleven has lots of money in it."

"That damn movie is filled with SOBs who care too much about money! Like you, ya old fart!" Hidan protested, "I think we should watch a horror movie. Like Saw!"

"Or Paranormal Activity!" Kisame added.

"Or Muppets."

Everyone turned to face Sasori. He stood with his usual blank expression. "What? It scares me. The things they do to those puppets…" He shuddered.

Kakuzu objected to the horror movie and a heated argument began rising in the room. Sakura could feel the room's chaos waking up again…

Luckily Pain felt it too and stopped the argument in its tracks. "We'll pick randomly. Everyone put your choice in this box and I'll mix them and pick one out."

The team put their choice in the box. Sakura ended up picking out Just Like Heaven, her favorite chick flick. She peered in the box to try to see what the others had chosen: She was pretty sure she spotted Jaws (probably Kisame's choice), the Tigger Movie (Tobi, obviously) and Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (Who chose that, she hadn't the faintest clue). When everyone had dropped their DVD in, Pain shook the box, reached in, and extracted a DVD.

His orange eyes studied it for a moment. "We're watching Titanic," he announced without enthusiasm, showing the case cover.

"What the f***?" Hidan screeched in outrage.

Itachi and Sasori just stared blankly, like always. Deidara seemed content with the choice. Everyone else just kind of grumbled.

"Do we have to?" Kakuzu half whined.

"Ugh, that movie is so cliché…" Kisame groaned.

"We are watching Titanic and that's that!" Pain declared hysterically.

So the whole crew settled on the couch. Or rather, they attacked it. Sakura attempted to nab a spot on the end, but Deidara beat her in the mad dash to get the best seat. She ended up being squished between Dei and Kisame, who took up most of the couch. Itachi resided next to him, maxing the couch's capacity. The rest were relegated to the few armchairs or the floor. Sakura was just relieved she didn't have to sit next to Hidan…

All of the members were in their pajamas. Deidara was in his Akatsuki undershirt and pajama pants, while Sakura was next to him, snuggled in her fuzzy, pink pjs. Kisame grumbled in his boxer shorts and tee-shirt. Itachi resided calmly in his gray bathrobe, left sleeve hanging empty as he usually did. Hidan settled on the floor in front of Sakura with only boxers on, stretching his bare chest as he leaned against the sofa. Pain found a quiet corner in the love seat to fall asleep in, with Konan in her night gown cuddling with him. Kakuzu fought his way into a cushy chair next to Itachi, and Tobi claimed the chair on the opposite side of the couch. He pulled his floppy pajama cap low over his mask as he giggled with excitement. Zetsu remained standing in his Pokemon tee-shirt and sweat pants, which made Sakura nervous for some reason (the standing did, not the pants.)

Sasori came in wearing his flannel pajamas and bearing a ginormous bowl of popcorn. It felt like a real movie night, and it reminded Sakura of the movie nights she used to have with Ino. She really missed Konoha.

The movie started and continued, with mixed reviews. Sakura found herself sitting between two ends of the spectrum. Deidara clutched a pillow and gasped at every love confession, every poignant scene. While Kisame…

"Pbth! They just met! They can't be in love. Che! 'King of the World' my ass! We all know he's gonna die."

"I didn't know that!" Sasori complained from his perch on the back of the couch. "Well now I don't even want to watch this…"

Sakura crunched a handful of popcorn while she tuned in to Itachi and Kakuzu's analytical conversation.

"You know, the Titanic was considered unsinkable. It was equipped with only 20 life boats for it's some 2,228 passengers. Only 705 people ended up surviving." Itachi explained.

"That must've cost a fortune. What's an even bigger wonder is that the _movie_ was so successful."

Itachi nodded. "It cost more to make than the Titanic ship itself. The movie grossed out at over 600,000,000 dollars. It was the highest grossing film ever, until Avatar."

Sakura thought she could see dollar signs appear in Kakuzu's eyes.

"Ironically, that movie was also directed by James Cameron."

"Lucky bastard," Kakuzu grumbled.

Sakura could feel the inhabitants of the room slowly becoming drowsy. Tobi, who had been squealing every ten seconds earlier, was now silent. Hidan's hooping and hollering over every kissing scene had also gone quiet. Even Kisame had ceased his loud critiques. Sakura could feel her own lids growing heavy. However, when they got to the sinking scene, everyone was suddenly wide awake.

Then, the scene with Jack and Rose in the water. Deidara was grasping his pillow, chewing it with his hand-mouths, tears streaming from his exposed eye. Sakura felt tears billow up in her eyes, too. This scene never failed to make every viewer tear up. Kisame, still trying to deny that this was a good movie, had tear streaks on his cheeks.

Sasori seemed to still refuse to believe what Kisame said, and kept reassuring everyone that the couple would both survive. "They'll make it. They won't die. They won't. They won't…" It seemed more like he was reassuring himself than anyone else.

Hidan on the other hand was cussing out Jack. "Get outta the water, you jackass! You're gonna freeze to death! Why doesn't that bitch scoot over so he can get on the damn board too? Oh, now she's falling asleep, just _great_. Wake up, whore! He's dying! Oh-see now! See! See! The guy's f***ing dead. You deserved that, bitch. Yeah, yeah, go ahead and cry!…*sniff*…we all know it's your own damn vault…*sniff*…"

The credits rolled and no one seemed to want to get up. Pain still snoozed in the corner, so there wasn't anyone to make the executive decision to go to bed. So, one by one, they ended up falling asleep right where they sat (except for Zetsu, who just stood there like an eerie statue all night…). Deidara fell asleep on Sakura, still gripping his pillow. Sakura's eyelids slid closed as she leaned against Kisame's massive side and went to sleep.

* * *

**Too short? Sorry if it is. Please review! And do you think I should italicize the movie titles?**

**BTW, I saw a cool idea in another story. (Can't remember where, sorry if I steal) I'm going to give a few questions I'd like ALL READERS to answer PLEASE, in their reviews. (It's all for you guys, I promise):**

**1. Do you prefer plot chapters, or crazy chaotic chapters?**

**2. Which Akatsuki member should Sakura interview next?**

**3. What's your favorite color?**

**4. Should Sakura go on a real Akatsuki mission? If so, what kind?**

**Thanks y'all!**


	9. Merry ChristmaNinjaKwanzakah!

**A/N: Wow. It's been a while hasn't it? That little questionnaire I gave last time was pretty much a bust, but I will be taking into account the input I **_**did **_**get. Don't worry! Your voices **_**will **_**be heard!…Just not this time. But eventually!**

This week was particularly filled with energy, though Sakura wasn't sure why. Every time she turned down a corridor, one of the Akatsuki was quickly carrying a box or fussing over a list. Everyone seemed pretty cheerful, too, which was a rarity in the Akatsuki castle. Sakura began to wonder what all the buzz was about.

Then she glanced out a window one day. A frosty windowpane, with snow falling gently outside. Sakura suddenly squealed, feeling the excitement the others must be feeling. It was almost Christmas! She had totally forgotten in the drab routine of this mission.

She rubbed a place for her to peer outside in the foggy window. She spotted Zetsu, stringing lights into the trees and bushes along the front walk. The twinkling lights came in many festive colors and made the creepy garden look like new. Along with the freshly fallen blanket of snow, it transformed the eerie Akatsuki castle into a winter wonderland.

Now all the Akatsuki excitement had new meaning for Sakura and she knew what to look for. She passed Pain, worrying over a long list, rushing out the front door while scribbling new ideas for gifts. Passing him through the door was Kisame, dragging a huge tree into the foyer. Sakura watched, amazed as Kisame made three trips outside and brought in four more Christmas trees, then laughed as Kisame had to grapple with a nasty squirrel that had stowed away on one of the trees.

The others were all over the hallways, hanging pine garlands and sparkling wreaths along the walkways and around the disturbing paintings, somehow making the building seem more like Santa's workshop than the creepy criminal base it truly is. Once or twice she spotted Tobi popping into rooms and attacking people with some mistletoe.

"Oo, oo! Sempai is under the mistletoe! Sempai has to kiss Tobi!"

"No, hmm! I am not kissing you!"

"Aw, c'mooooon! Kissy kissy!" Tobi reached and tried to get his arms around Deidara, who was beating Tobi over the head with the angel he was hanging.

Tobi eventually gave up and poofed somewhere else. Sakura heard his next victim echo down the hall.

"Oo, oo! You have to kiss Tobi!"

"I'm not f***ing kissing you Tobi!"

"C'mooooon!"

"Get the f*** off me!"

Sakura went into the living room, where one of the Christmas trees were being trimmed. Konan hummed carols happily as she adorned the branches with ornaments.

"Hey Konan! The tree looks great!" Sakura complimented, admiring the beautiful tree.

"Thanks Sakura!" Konan grabbed a sheet of paper and quickly formed a paper crane, which she hung on the tree. The other ornaments were similarly made of paper.

"Oo, oo! Konan is under the mistletoe!" Tobi screamed as he exploded into the room, waving his mistletoe around. "Can Tobi have a kiss?"

"Sure Tobi!" Konan leaned in and pecked Tobi on the cheek.

Tobi giggled maniacally.

Konan smiled. "Hey Tobi! Why don't you hang that mistletoe somewhere so you can catch people under it easier."

"Really? That works better?"

"Yeah! Go hang it over Hidan's door! He loves that!"

"Okay!" Tobi chirped agreeably. He teleported away.

Sakura laughed. She couldn't wait to see the look on Hidan's face when he finds himself under repeated assault by Tobi's kiss attacks. Sometimes Konan could really outdo herself.

Kisame rushed into the room with a box full of more decorations for the tree. "Here's the other decorations you asked for Konan!"

"Thanks Kisame!" Konan grinned, "Could you go see how the hallways are looking? Dei's out there, so I don't want any…mishaps."

Kisame rushed out again.

"Wow," Sakura said, "I've never seen everyone this efficient before."

"I know," Konan agreed, "Everyone's excited this time of the year. I only wish they were this enthusiastic about their work everyday."

Sasori shuffled in holding a notepad, scratching his head. "Hey Konan, who do you have for Secret Santa?"

"I'm not telling. You're not supposed to tell, that's the whole point of the _Secret_ Santa thing."

"Oh…" Sasori continued to stare at his notepad for a moment. "I have Deidara and I haven't the faintest clue of what to give him."

"What? Deidara's easy!" Konan chuckled.

Sakura was baffled. "Wait, guys are doing a gift exchange?"

Konan nodded as she hung a garland with a flourish. "We do it every year." She turned back to Sasori. "You just have to know what your person likes, and then go from there."

Sasori scratched his red hair. "What does Dei like…?"

"I think it's pretty obvious. He loves explosives. Why don't you just give him something that can explode?" Sakura recommended.

"Something that explodes…" Sasori pondered as he left the room.

Sakura was a little disappointed that she wasn't invited to this gift exchange. She _had_ been there for almost three months. Three long, painful, chaotic months. _I guess I'm not technically part of the Akatsuki…_ she remembered. She shrugged it off and walked out into the festive corridor. It was Christmas time! She shouldn't be upset so easily!

Kisame hurried to meet her by her room. "Cherry! You're a girl right?"

Sakura froze at the strange question. Just where was he heading with this? She narrowed her eyes at him. "Yes. Obviously."

"Right well…we have this Secret Santa thing, and I don't know what I should get Konan."

Sakura was a little irritated. The Secret Santa again? "Aw c'mon Kisame. Girls are pretty easy to buy for. A little jewelry, some lotions and body wash and they're perfectly content," Sakura informed him. Kisame listened attentively, a rarity for Sakura in this house. "What kind of thing do you have in mind?"

"Well, I'm not sure, but it has to be pretty good because the last four years Konan has beaten the daylights out of her Secret Santa because of the crappy present she got." Kisame revealed nervously. He was clearly worked up over the whole thing.

"What gifts made her that angry?" Sakura asked.

"Well, Zetsu forgot one year, so he just threw together random things he could find. Let's just say Konan wasn't happy with her used dish rag, a wooden spoon and a man-eating plant."

_Sounds like Zetsu just raided the kitchen, _Sakura figured. Because all of those things resided in the kitchen. (Yes even the man-eating plant. Sakura had on several accounts lost bits of clothing when it snapped at her as she passed out the back door.)

"Then Dei was her Secret Santa, and as you can imagine…" Kisame imitated an explosion sound effect.

"Yeah. Figures." Sakura understood.

"Needless to say, Dei has learned his lesson since that Christmas. Then there was Kakuzu who was too cheap to buy her what she wanted. So he got some scam rip-off of the same item." Kisame shook his head. "Bad news for him."

"And last year?"

"Hidan," Kisame answered.

"Oh," Sakura knew that was one of the worst combinations in the house: Konan and Hidan.

"He sent her one of his fingers. Like it was supposed to flatter her or something."

"Idiot," Sakura breathed.

Kisame begged Sakura, "You gotta help me find a good gift! Please!"

Sakura didn't want to get involved with the whole present exchange (or Konan's rage) but she knew without her help, Kisame would totally screw up. She looked at the desperate blue man.

"Did you ask Itachi for help?" Sakura queried.

"Itachi doesn't know anything!"

"Did you ask him?"

"…No."

"Well why don't you ask him first?"

"To be honest, I don't think I've seen Itachi in days." Kisame admitted.

"What? Why not? He _is_ your partner!"

"Yeah, well, he gets all weird during the holidays. Really…secretive I guess."

Sakura sighed. "Well I can't do all the work. You have to think of gift ideas too."

Kisame did a celebratory fist pump before straightening up to think. "Hmm…do you think she likes fish?"

"I wouldn't think so."

"Why not?"

"Kisame, it's pretty much just you who likes fish."

"Oh…" Kisame said, disappointed.

"She might like the color blue though," Sakura mentioned.

Kisame perked up. "Ya think?"

"Well, her hair _is _blue. And her flower…"

"That's it Cherry! I got the perfect idea!" Kisame was already running down the hallway, "Thanks Cherry! You're the bomb!"

Sakura waved to him sadly. She went up to her door. Reaching for the door knob, she heard voices down the hall. One of them sounded like Itachi's. _That's weird. Itachi is never in this part of the castle._ Sakura realized. She walked toward the voices to check it out.

Sakura was right; It was Itachi, but no one else. She wondered who he had been speaking with. She began approaching him.

"Hey Itachi, what's up?" Sakura greeted.

He grunted and walked the other way. Sakura was put-off; Itachi was usually more polite with her. She followed him and asked, "Excited for the holidays? You going shopping?"

Itachi kept walking at a brisker pace. "Yes," he mumbled.

_Yes to what?_ Sakura thought, annoyed. She tried again, "You shopping for your Secret Santa?"

Itachi suddenly spun around and had a kunai to her throat before Sakura could blink. "If I tell you, I'd have to kill you," Itachi said menacingly. He stood for a moment, glaring at her with the full force of his Sharingan. Sakura gulped. Then he walked away.

Sakura stood frozen and thoroughly creeped out. She suddenly realized what Kisame meant by "secretive."

Sakura found herself growing more and more depressed as the household grew more and more excited. Everyone-even Kakuzu, Zetsu and other similarly cold people-were literally teeming with Christmas cheer. Tobi went on at least twelve grueling trips to the mall Santa (Sakura taking him on most of those trips, of course) Zetsu insisted on greeting everyone he passed with an enthusiastic "Merry Christmas!" with the occasional "**Have a Happy New Year.**" Konan was constantly singing and Deidara's explosives were more festive than ever, blinking bright red and green. Everyone buzzed about the upcoming gift exchange.

Meanwhile Sakura was terribly homesick, wishing she were in the company of her friends for the holiday season in Konoha. She could almost imagine the lights that illuminated the village and the yummy smells of roasting chestnuts (Instead of the usual irony smell of blood in the castle.) She was also extremely upset about the whole Secret Santa affair-and her exclusion from it. She was considering trying out the catchphrase "bah-humbug" because of it. To make matters worse, everyone went to her for gift ideas.

"Cherry! C'mere!" Hidan shouted at Sakura.

"What do you want, Hidan?" Sakura sighed.

"Just hold still," he told her, reaching for her arms and stretching them out.

"Wha…What're you doing?" Sakura asked, baffled.

Hidan continued his work, taking a measuring tape a stretching it along her arm. "You hang out with Sasori, right?"

Sakura was taken aback. "I wouldn't describe it as 'hanging out'" _More like I hate his guts. His puppet guts._

"Well you seem like you know the guy. Right?"

"No… I mean…a little."

"Do you f***ing know the f***ing guy or not? Yes or no question Cherry! Not that difficult, for Jashin's sake."

Sakura pouted at him. "Yes."

"Do you think he'll like a new pair of pajamas?" Hidan asked.

Sakura blinked. "Pajamas? Really? He's a rogue ninja who makes puppets out of _human bodies_ and you're getting him pajamas?"

"Shut the hell up! I'm homemaking them! They're special!" He wrapped the tape measure around her waist. "Besides, I'm not getting him any store bought sh**. Jashin would frown upon it."

Sakura was pretty sure there was nothing in his religion about the birth of Jesus Christ, let alone Christmas gifts and he was just making this up. "Do Jashinists even believe in Jesus, Hidan?"

"Sure they do!" Hidan said, "except Christianity's got it all wrong! When Jesus was born, Joseph was pissed, he asked the nearby shepherds to help him kill Jesus!"

Sakura covered her mouth in shock. "Omigosh! What did Mary do?"

"Mary called the kings and told them to kick her husband's ass. So they did. Leg straight." Sakura straightened her leg for Hidan to measure. Hidan continued, "Then Jesus killed the shepherds in Jashin's name!" Hidan laughed maniacally.

Sakura crossed her arms. "Baby Jesus was a Jashinist?" She asked dryly.

"One of the first. Arms out," Hidan commanded. Sakura held out her arms.

"Wait a sec…why are you measuring _me?_"

T'was the night before Christmas, and all through the house,

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that Saint Ninja-las would soon be there.

The Akatsuki were nestled, all snoring away,

And yes, they were naughty this year by the way.

No, Saint Ninja-las wasn't coming, at least not here,

But something else much more interesting would happen this year.

A girl was staying with the Akatsuki tonight,

And the next morning, she was in for one big fright.

So turn out the lights and go to bed!

Maybe you can listen to that story instead.

It's much better.

Sakura awoke that morning just as miserable as any other morning. She dragged out of bed, pulled on her fuzzy pink bathrobe and opened the curtains. A fresh layer of snow had covered the ground the night before, so it was unusually bright. But other than that, yep same ole, same ole.

Except that it wasn't same ole, same ole. This was Christmas morning, the most exciting time of the year, when everyone was happy and friends and family got to spend time together. Except for Sakura. She felt pretty crappy.

Sakura dragged her feet all the way to the door and then thought _What's the point?_ and flopped back into bed.

"Cherrrrrrrrry!" a voice suddenly appeared above her bed. It started jumping on Sakura. It was an excited Tobi.

"CherryCherryCherryCherry! It's Chrrrrrrrrrrrristmas! Come down and open the presents."

"What presents?" Sakura groaned. She jammed the pillow over her head.

"Tobi will show you!" he grabbed her arm and she was suddenly looking at the entrance to the living room where the main Christmas tree was. "Look! Look!" Tobi pointed excitedly.

Sakura took a moment to orient herself. Akatsuki members, clad in pajamas, were entering the well-lit living room, all chattering about what they would receive. Sakura followed Tobi in, figuring she could suffer through present opening and then go back to bed. She plopped onto the couch.

Kakuzu opened a huge jar of pennies. "Pennies…" He grumbled angrily.

"_Three hundred dollars _in pennies," Konan told him.

"Oh," Kakuzu's eyes raised in excitement.

Konan quickly tore into her wrapped present. Sakura spotted Kisame watching anxiously.

"Omigosh! It's a blue scarf! With cute little fishies on it!" She cradled the soft material, stroking her present happily.

Kisame heaved a huge sigh of relief. "I'm glad you like it!"

Kisame opened his gift next. Inside was a giant pirate ship with black sails, complete with miniature undead pirates on-deck. "The Black Pearl!" Kisame shouted excitedly. He grinned, revealing his rows of shark's teeth. "Thanks Itachi."

"Hmph," Itachi acknowledged.

Pain offered Itachi a picture frame with a ribbon. "Uh…here," Pain said, "I didn't wrap it but…yeah."

Apparently Itachi didn't like this lack of Christmas spirit, because his expression was slightly perturbed. He squinted at the picture frame. "What is this?"

"It's a photo of that Halloween party you guys crashed," Pain pointed at the picture, "Look, there's Hidan on fire."

Sakura had to double-take, because she saw Itachi _smile._ It was a small smile, but a smile just the same. Itachi sat the picture frame on the ground and Sakura saw it was _completely empty_; it still had the default picture of a smiling model couple that's sold with the frame. No flaming Hidan in sight. Itachi hadn't noticed?

"Here you go, hon. This is your's," Konan told Pain, handing him a gift.

Pain half-heartedly took the package. The package itself looked like it was wrapped by a five-year-old; random patches of various wrapping papers were tapped together to try to cover the box. It took a while, but when Pain managed to get it open, he pulled out…a Tigger stuffed animal.

Tobi was bouncing around all excited. "Do you like it? Do you like it?"

Pain just stared at the Tigger. "Yes," he said finally. Everyone whipped their head around. Pain actually liked it? Pain turned the doll around to face everyone. From the front, the Tigger was covered in piercings in a manner similar to Pain himself. "I love it."

Of course, Tobi got all wiggly and excited all over again. He hugged Pain several times before turning to his own present. He opened it to reveal…a Tigger stuffed animal, sans piercings.

"Yay! Tobi knew Santa would bring what he wanted!"

Sakura watched him, slightly amused at his child-like behavior. Then she turned to see what Deidara had gotten. He was using his hand teeth to tear into the wrapping paper. Sakura wondered what Sasori had decided on.

Deidara opened the box and-BOOM! The contents of the box exploded in his face, now blackened. He blinked for a moment then turned angry.

"What the hell, man, hmm? I open my Christmas present and I get an _explosion_, hmm?"

Sasori paled. "You don't like it?…"

"Like it? Are you kidding, un? This is the _best _Christmas present I have ever received! I only wish I thought of it first!"

Sasori relaxed, turning to his own present. He pulled out… a pair of red flannel pajamas.

"You like it? I made that sh** myself," Hidan informed him proudly from the ceiling; he was currently trying out his gift, a bedazzled noose and a pair of giant garden shears from Zetsu. He clipped the shears haphazardly as he swung around by his neck.

Sasori stared at him blankly. "I'm a human puppet that kills people to make them into puppets, and you got me pajamas?"

"Hey, they're homemade man! _F***ing homemade!_"

"Just like Baby Jashin Jesus would want it, right Hidan?" Sakura teased.

"Aw, butt out Cherry!"

Zetsu was opening his present: a pot of beautiful red Christmas flowers.

"Oh poinsettias," he said pleasantly, "**How original.**"

"They were on sale, too," Kakuzu commented.

That was everyone. Sakura was off the hook, so she crept toward the door while everyone was occupied with their new gifts.

"Oh, Sakura? Hang on a second," Pain stopped her.

"You didn't think we'd forget about you, Cherry, didja, un?"

_Uh oh,_ thought Sakura, _What do they want with me this time? Do they want me to cook for them or something?_

Tobi suddenly dove under the tree and extracted another present, wrapped in green and tied with a sparkling red ribbon. "For you, Cherry!"

"Me?" Sakura stammered, completely surprised. All the members gathered around and watched Sakura open it.

Inside the box, lay a dark cloak. Sakura pulled it out to get a better look. It was a long dark cloak, covered in sparkling red clouds. An Akatsuki cloak.

"We figure you're pretty much apart of the team anyways," Konan explained.

"Tobi did the sparklies!"

"And _I_ did the measuring," Hidan announced.

"You practically helped all of us with our gifts, too." Kisame pointed out sheepishly.

"I…I don't know what to say…"

"Thank you, maybe?" suggested Itachi.

"Yeah, thank you guys," Sakura spluttered. She felt tears welling up in her eyes. They hadn't forgotten her after all. She hugged the cloak.

"**Hey don't thank us.** It was Sasori's idea."

Sakura looked at Sasori, who was sitting calmly watching the action. He shrugged, his puppet shoulders creaking. "You seemed kinda down. And you are my friend, after all."

Sakura threw a hug onto a shocked Sasori.

"Group hug!" shouted Tobi, dragging everyone begrudgingly into this hug.

"Merry Christmas, Akatsuki!"

**Yay! My story is finally living up to it's "Friendship" label! Answer questions please!**

**1. Who's your favorite Akatsuki member?**

**2. Who's your fave Naruto character?**

**3. Who's your fave character to pair with the Akatsuki (other than Sakura)?**

**4. How badly do you want Sasuke in this story, if at all?**

**Merry ChristmaNinjaKwanzakah!**


	10. Konoha Red Frog

**Woo! Been quite some time, hasn't it? Well I hope it was worth the wait! I incorporated some of the ideas I received from reviews! Enjoy! (*Edit: I broke the forth wall in here guys! Why didn't any one tell me?*)**

Kakuzu counted the shining coins laid out in front of him, piled high in neat stacks. The old curmudgeon bent over the money in a way that might remind you of Ebenezer Scrooge. Well, Kakuzu couldn't argue-he and the man were a lot alike. Both smart enough, first and foremost, to know that money is where power truly lies.

Kakuzu grinned as he finished this stack and began a new one; few things ever made him truly smile, but the clinking sound of money was one of them. As spring approached, criminals were getting brave, and his bounty rewards were higher than ever. Yes, Kakuzu was quite content.

Until the door slammed open and his precious money toppled from its neat piles.

Kakuzu narrowed his strangely colored eyes. "Hidan," he hissed. It was not a question, it was a statement. No one else could interrupt the old man in such a way that Hidan did.

"Sh** Kakuzu! Look at all that cash!" Hidan shouted, oblivious to Kakuzu's annoyance.

"Did you need something?" Kakuzu growled. His patience was wearing thin.

Hidan finally detected Kakuzu's grumpy mood. "What's the matter, old man? I barged in on your f*** time with your money?"

"I do not f*** my money!" snarled Kakuzu.

"Well, you do always say your only love is money," Hidan pointed out.

Kakuzu rubbed his temples. "Did you come in here to bad mouth me, or did you actually have something _important_ to say to me?"

Hidan shrugged. "Oh yeah. Pain wants us or something…"

_Oh great. Another mission,_ Kakuzu thought, groaning.

Down in the dining room, Pain gave the pair the mission briefing. Their mission was to find this frog that was apparently an endangered species, and capture it _alive_ (As Pain incessantly stressed) so the Leaf scientists could study it and perhaps save the species. Kakuzu pondered on why exactly Pain was sending the immortal duo on a mission to find a frog. Wasn't this like a job for genin?

"You'll be searching near the Leaf Village, so stay hidden, understood?" Pain stressed, "Also, I decided Sakura will be accompanying you."

"Cherry? Why the f*** do we need a healer on this crack-job mission? And can we even use her? I thought she was like, on loan or something from the Leaf."

"We have permission to send her on this mission," Pain explained.

Kakuzu said nothing. He didn't really have a problem with Cherry coming with them, so long as she didn't get in the way. In fact, though he wouldn't admit it, he was kinda _thankful_ she was coming; a little company might help him keep his sanity with his Jashinist partner.

"Good luck, team," Pain said.

"We don't really need luck. 'Specially not with _this_ crappy mission!"

Kakuzu eyed his partner. "For once, we agree on something."

Leaping through the trees, Sakura was happy to be outside. She had been cooped up in that dark, dank castle for far too long. Now, as she felt the breeze rustle her pink hair, she was excited for the oncoming spring weather. She took a deep breath before she catapulted off the next branch.

Sakura wasn't sure her companions were feeling as good as she was. Hidan was uncharacteristically quiet, his pink eyes staring straight forward, and Kakuzu didn't seem to react in any abnormal manner.

"Isn't this weather wonderful?" Sakura chirped. "It feels good to be outside!"

Kakuzu said nothing. Hidan gave her a dirty look.

"You're excited?" Hidan asked, "This mission sucks! It's terrible! We used to get _cool _missions, but now we're reduced to f***ing frog-catchers!"

Sakura rolled her eyes. "At least you finally _have _a mission."

It was true; the Akatsuki had had a shortage of missions, as of late. The members haven't known what to do with themselves, most of them bored out of their minds, some resulting to crazy pranks to entertain themselves. (*cough* Deidara *cough*). They had absolutely _nothing_ to do. Sakura, on the other hand, was busier than ever. All those pranks had caused plenty of accidents.

The Leaf Village had been quiet for awhile, communications-wise. Even Sakura wasn't getting any contact from Lady Tsunade, though Sakura had sent countless letters via Shisui asking for updates. In a way, Sakura was glad to be sent on this mission, if only to get a glimpse of the Hidden Leaf Village to be sure it was still intact. She only wished she could actually visit all of her friends…

Kakuzu halted abruptly on a branch. He looked around.

"What is it?" Sakura asked.

"Yeah, Kakuzu, we're almost there!" Hidan shouted, "Can't we just-"

"Shh!" Kakuzu shushed Hidan as he turned to look behind him. "Someone's following us."

Just then, tentacles shot out of Kakuzu as he launched his hands into a nearby bush. He pried a figure out of their hiding spot and into the open forest floor.

Sakura sat shocked at the blonde who had apparently been stalking them.

"Who are you?" Kakuzu commanded forcefully.

"Shouldn't I be asking _you_ that question?" the stalker yelled back, "You're the one in Konoha territory!"

Suddenly Sakura recognized the whiny voice; it was none other than Ino Yamanaka, one of her best friends. Ino stood, smug as ever, dressed in her purple outfit with her Leaf headband tied around her thin waist. Her pale blonde hair was pulled back in a ponytail and her light blue-green eyes shone with annoyance. Her lack of patience was matched only by Kakuzu, and perhaps even the knuckle-head ninja himself.

"Ino!" Sakura greeted, waving like a maniac.

The blonde peered upwards in disbelief. "Sakura?"

Sakura leaped out of the tree, and the two kunoichi rushed to each other, embracing.

"Sakura, what are you doing out here?" Ino asked, her tone now more curious than accusational.

"On a mission with these two," Sakura indicated the confused immortals. They had no idea of the rituals of girlfriend-hood; catching-up first, explaining to clueless guys later.

"Oh, that's right, you're stuck with the Akatsuki," she remembered, "couldn't they find another medical ninja to take care of them?"

"Oh, it's not so bad. I've gotten used to it."

"Gotten _used_ to it?" Ino gaped at her friend. She looked curiously at the other two before lowering her voice. "But Sakura, it's the _Akatsuki_. It might be fine now, but they're shady! One day you might find yourself sleeping with the fishes."

Sakura gave her a quizzical look, thinking of Kisame. _She has no idea how accurate that statement might be._ "What's with the weird attitude? It's not like I'm in the mafia or anything. The Akatsuki are our allies."

"Yeah, but…I dunno…" Ino looked at Sakura with her face covered with concern.

"I'm fine. Really," Sakura smiled, "And wait until you hear how much I have to tell you!"

Sakura and Ino shared a short scream of excitement. Sakura was finally relaxing-seeing her best friend again made her feel comfortable, a condition she hadn't experience in a long time.

"Ahem," she heard from behind. Kakuzu and Hidan were still bumming around, waiting for Sakura.

"Oh right. Our mission," Sakura said. She turned to Ino. "Hey, Ino, we're looking for a frog. Specifically the-" she consulted her notes "-Konoha Red Frog. Seen any around here?"

Ino looked at the picture in Sakura's hands. "No, I can't say that I have," she told Sakura, sounding truly disappointed. Then her eyes lit up, "But my shift's almost over. I can come help you."

"That would be great!" Sakura quipped. She looked back at the pair accompanying her. "Guys, this is my best friend, Ino Yamanaka. Ino this is Kakuzu-" a grunt from the curmudgeon "-and Hidan-" Hidan flashed a daring smile.

Ino's cheeks flushed red. "Hi…" she waved absentmindedly, smiling up at Hidan, who was, of course, puffing out his chest and doing his best "hot guy" impression.

Sakura pulled Ino away to continue on their mission. _And she was the one trying to warn me about them in the first place,_ Sakura remembered, furrowing her brow.

While they jumped through the trees towards their destination, Sakura continued to converse with Ino.

"What's with the getup?" Ino queried, eyeing Sakura's cloak.

"Um, it's just…uh…uniform, you know," Sakura stammered, clutching the cloak tighter, sparkling clouds glimmering. Ino seemed to look right through her flimsy excuse, so Sakura decided to change the subject. "So what was your 'shift'?"

"Oh, I had border patrol."

"Border patrol?"

Ino nodded, looking grim. "There have been attacks on the Leaf as of late. Not anything huge, just little groups of mercenaries, but it's enough to make us all worry. Lady Tsunade ramped up the security, just in case. There's the border patrol, of course. Communications have been restricted, too, and everything coming into the Village is checked out."

"I guess that's why I haven't been hearing any news. My letters haven't made it…"

"Actually, your letters arrive, just fine. In fact, we have a hard time keeping the ravens from going straight to Tsunade before being checked out."

Sakura recalled what Itachi had told her. _Ravens are extremely intelligent._ She guessed there was some truth to that.

Ino landed at the edge of the cave they had come to.

"There should be a pond in here, where the frog is," Kakuzu growled, pushing past the kunoichi into the dark, damp cave.

"Well, let's go see what the f*** with this frog is all about."

"Don't you mean fuss?" Sakura corrected.

"Ah, fuss, f***, it's all the same," he winked at Ino as he walked past. Ino giggled.

Sakura glared at her, giving her a don't-f***-with-him look. Ino waved it off and followed Hidan. Sakura shook her head. This was becoming a lot like that uncomfortable situation with Sai…

As the crew delved deeper into the cave, Sakura felt sweat droplets slowly rolling down her forehead. She hadn't realized how hot it was getting.

"Damn! Is it hot in here!" Hidan announced.

"Well, there's no need to shout," Kakuzu told him, annoyed. But Hidan wasn't paying any attention-he was gazing back at Ino again, only annoying Kakuzu even further.

Ino was also still giving Hidan goo-goo eyes. Kakuzu was definitely not the only person annoyed by that. But Ino's gaze was finally broken by the "pond" they had arrived at.

"Look at that!" Ino pointed ahead, eyes wide.

They had reached the edge of a cliff, below which the "pond" simmered.

"Holy hell!" Hidan exclaimed, "No wonder it was so freaking hot in here!"

Sakura stared in disbelief, too. The "pond" was no pond at all. It was a river of hot boiling lava. The entire room glowed a dark red and jets of steam hissed from every available crack.

"We're supposed to find a frog _here?_" Sakura called.

"I suppose," Kakuzu answered, "Now we know why they sent _us._"

They all stood there, hesitant to continue into the inferno, until finally Hidan announced, "Well, that frog isn't gonna find itself!" and started skipping along the rocks over the lava.

"He's so brave!" Ino marveled.

"Or just stupid," Kakuzu grunted.

_For once, we're on the same wavelength,_ Sakura thought, smirking at Kakuzu.

Sakura decided she better follow the insane Jashinist so she could heal him once he fell in. And he _would_ fall in.

Sakura scanned her surroundings while she carefully traversed the molten landscape. "I don't see any fro-" she was cut off by the arms that emerged from the ground and lifted her, narrowly avoiding the needles that had just launched out of the lava.

"Thanks Kakuzu!" Sakura called, her breathing heavy.

Kakuzu merely grunted. Behind him, Ino looked at her with alarm. "What's that thing?"

Sakura looked back at the lava and saw it-two massive, yellow, slimy eyes had surfaced, glaring at her. It was the source of the attack, but what was it?

In an explosion of lava, the creature leaped out for a follow up attack. Sakura dropped to the ground as the arms retracted, once again narrowly dodging the attack.

Sakura looked at her attacker: It had landed on the opposite shore and was turning slowly around. It was big, fat and red, a hulking figure on all fours. Then it croaked.

"_That's_ the frog?" Sakura asked unbelievingly.

The creature answered with another croak. It puffed up its chest and spewed forth the spines it had thrown earlier. This time, Sakura was ready. She leaped out of harm's way, landing near Hidan. She looked back at the dripping spines, realizing they were coated in a foul-smelling substance.

"Guys, watch the spines! They're poison!"

"Oh, he thinks he can get us with poison, huh? Well bring it, you mother fu-whoa!" Hidan was snatched by the frog's quick, sticky tongue, dragged into the lava.

Ino screeched. Kakuzu just sighed.

The frog made its next move, leaping toward Kakuzu and Ino. Kakuzu dodged accordingly, grabbing an immobile Ino. The frog crashed into the lava, submerged again.

"Ino! Keep moving!" Sakura called. But Ino was frozen with fear, still staring at where Hidan had disappeared. _Where is that freak, anyways?_

The red frog attacked again, spraying sparks on Ino, still frozen. Luckily, Kakuzu was alert, and extended his arms to grab Ino again. The frog launched rapid-fire attacks, seeming to jump off the surface of the lava, grappling with Kakuzu. Then, it fired its needle attack. Kakuzu jumped out of range, but Sakura worriedly realized Ino was still there.

"Ino, MOVE!"

Another figure jumped out of the lava in front of Ino, receiving the blow for her.

"I already told you, you damn frog. Ain't no goddamn poison gonna kill me!" Hidan sneered, unrecognizable with all the burns and lava pouring off of him.

Ino screamed again. _I don't blame her._

Hidan flung his scythe with a war-cry. The frog jumped out of the way, forcing Sakura, behind it, to dodge his scythe, too.

"Hey watch it Hidan!" Sakura scolded. She ran up to him.

"Sorry, Cherry," Hidan coughed, somehow still grinning despite all his apparent pain.

Sakura did a quick check of him before she decided that he better take an antidote for the poison first. She rummaged in her bag. "Here-take this."

Hidan eyed the vial. "Don't bother with me, Cherry."

"Don't be ridiculous. The poison may not kill you but it'll paralyze you, then where would we be?"

"Well, I _am_ pretty important."

Hidan's injuries did not prevent Sakura from smacking him. Then, she set to healing him. She worked quickly, conscious of the impending attack the frog was surely planning. It had been quite some time since she had done any healing in the field. She looked up at Ino.

"Ino, I could use some help here!" Sakura yelled.

Ino finally snapped out of her stupor at the sound of Sakura's voice and rushed over to assist her.

"You work on the burns on his back," Sakura instructed.

Ino stared at his severe injuries, injuries which would've killed any normal person. "How…"

"I'll explain later," Sakura barked, "Just, heal him!"

Ino frantically began healing his back, snapping at last back into normal Ino mode. "These are third degree burns, I don't know how much I can heal him…"

"We just need to allow for movement. We can treat him further later on."

Suddenly, the frog reappeared, avoiding Kakuzu and headed straight for Sakura. Hidan was ready though, and he threw his scythe again, barely missing Sakura. The frog squealed as it was scraped, but otherwise escaped unharmed.

"Don't hurt it! We want it alive!" Ino warned.

"Damn! I just can't get a lock on that thing!" Hidan continued manipulating his scythe, aiming for the agile frog.

The frog managed to ram into Hidan and I, while Ino scarcely avoided it.

"I'll take care of this!" Kakuzu called, "Wind Style!"

The hot cavern suddenly came alive as a rough gust of wind blew through. Lava was leaping dangerously high in the wind. The frog could no longer jump without being carried away by Kakuzu's jutsu.

"Alright! That's more like it!" Hidan beamed. He pulled on the cord, pulling his scythe back. The triple blade gleamed red from the heat as he readied his next attack.

But Ino was planning her attack, too. "Ninja art! Mind-Transfer Jutsu!"

Somehow, the fat frog rolled out of Ino's line of attack, and she instead hit the unsuspecting Kakuzu. Both Ino and Kakuzu went limp. Kakuzu perked up, looking around confusedly.

"Huh? What happened?" Ino's voice trilled from Kakuzu's body. She looked at her(his?) arms, a mismatched bunch of flesh sewn together. "Ahhh!"

"Aw, sh**!" Hidan's attack missed its target and the frog turned toward him, spewing a fire similar to a fire style jutsu. Sakura leaped away, but Hidan caught the brunt of the blow.

"It breathes fire, too?" Sakura said, astonished.

"No wonder this f***er is almost extinct!"

Ino finally had enough sense to release the jutsu, sprinting away. Kakuzu finally regained his senses and made to reactivate his jutsu, until the frog pummeled him.

"How're we supposed to capture this thing without killing it? It's too damn fast!"

Sakura glanced back at Kakuzu, who was once again fighting with the frog. _How can we capture this thing…?_

"Sakura, I'm sorry. I'm no help at all. I tried to use my Mind-Transfer Jutsu, but-"

"Wait, Ino, that's it!" Sakura realized, "Can you mind transfer that frog long enough to trap it in something?"

"Well, yeah but…"

"Okay. Hidan I need your help."

Hidan noticed Sakura's suddenly confident expression. He smiled. "What's the plan, Cherry?"

Kakuzu was sweating profusely from all his various body parts. The creatures attack just wouldn't relent. What's worse, the thing was apparently immune to fire, giving it an advantage in this raging inferno. Kakuzu wanted to just Lightning Style this thing and leave, but he couldn't kill it either. Kakuzu was beginning to wear, he wasn't sure how much longer he could keep this up…

Suddenly, he heard a scream from Hidan. Another worthless attack from him was only enough to distract it, and was too slow to make a legitimate hit. Kakuzu needed something better than his partner's worthless attacks!

Hidan made a close-range slice and the frog jumped thirty feet in the air, dodging as predicted. Then Hidan tossed his scythe at it, falling way short. _What was he thinking…?_

Then Kakuzu saw it. Or her, rather. Cherry Blossom was riding the scythe upwards, and used it as a platform to jump off of. She was now level with the frog.

"Take this!" she screeched at the surprised frog. Cherry's fist slammed into the frog, forcing it downwards. Hidan dodged just in time for the frog to crash into the ground.

The blonde girl was ready, setting up her technique. "Mind-Transfer Jutsu!"

The frog suddenly seized and stopped fighting. It hopped up to Kakuzu with an almost questioning look, cocking its head to one side.

"C'mon Kakuzu, tie it up!" Sakura instructed.

Kakuzu couldn't help but smile. There were few things that ever made him smile; this was one of those things.

"Oh thank goodness we are outta there!" Ino exclaimed.

Sakura was relieved too, feeling the fresh, cool air rushing across her face again. It was a nice day.

Ino flopped forward onto her hands and knees, rubbing her behind. "Ouch, I think I fell on my butt!"

"Really? Feels okay to me," Hidan said, feeling clutching Ino's rear-end.

"Huh? GET OFF OF ME YOU PERVERT!" Hidan was promptly slapped across the face.

He sneered, rubbing his cheek. "Not quite as hard as Cherry. Temper's about the same, though"

_About time she learned,_ Sakura thought to herself.

The four arrived at the entrance to the Leaf Village to drop off the unconscious Konoha Red Frog.

"I'll deliver it for you," Ino offered.

"Thanks Ino. Well I guess we'd better head out…" Sakura looked longingly at the village.

"….Yeah, well, you'll be back soon I'm sure," Ino assured.

"I hope so." The best friends hugged.

"C'mon Cherry, let's get going! I don't wanna miss dinner!"

Sakura reluctantly turned to leave, "Be sure to write Ino!"

"I will."

Sakura leaped off, following the pair, as Ino waved.

Sakura gazed at the village, her friend never once leaving the entrance. Then she continued forward, back to the Akatsuki castle.

"Well, that's a good mission complete, I'd say," Hidan announced.

_Not for me,_ Sakura thought. She turned to catch one last glimpse of her home, The Village Hidden in the Leaves.

**Wow! Total destroyed continuity here! Sorry about that! By the time I realized the breach in canon, I was pretty much finished; I couldn't be bothered to rewrite the entire chapter. And besides, this was already like my third attempt at trying to write this chapter.**

**Oh, and Happy Tenth Chapter! (Been that long already?) I have just one question today:**

**1. What was YOUR favorite chapter?**


	11. Inner Sakura vs Black Zetsu!

**A/N: Hey all! I caught the Naruto bug again, and you know what that means…time for some Gai-sensei porn! Just kidding, it's time for another fun Akatsuki adventure! Enjoy!**

* * *

The warm sunshine rays hit Sakura's cold skin as she stepped out of the dark Akatsuki kitchen into the beautiful back garden. Freshly planted tulips waved in greeting to the kunoichi as she walked to the garden bench. For a daunting, evil base, it sure had a pleasant backyard.

Sakura sat on the bench, relieved to be free of the Akatsuki, even for a short while. She had escaped yet another chaotic situation in the kitchen, where Hidan and Kakuzu's fight was escalating, Tobi was bravely irritating Itachi, and Deidara was slinking among the cupboards suspiciously (planting, Sakura was quite certain, trap bombs around the kitchen.).

No, listening to the birds chirp and feeling the light breeze was a much better experience than trying to deal with _that_ mess inside. Sakura would just have to deal with the carnage afterwards.

"Enjoying the view, Cherry?" a voice asked from behind.

Sakura jumped. "Ah! Zetsu! You scared me!"

"Sorry. **Scaredy cat.**"

Sakura ignored that last rude comment. She noticed Zetsu was carrying a large, leafy potted plant.

"So…are _you_ the one who takes care of the garden?"

Zetsu nodded. "I know, kinda stereotypical-the plant guy taking care of the plants and all…but, yeah."

Sakura surveyed the peaceful garden once again. "It's beautiful."

"Thank you. **You're just saying that.**"

Sakura glared at him again. "Why do you always do that, Zetsu? One minute, you'll be pleasant and the next, you're a jerk! You switch personalities more than an episode of Yu-Gi-Oh…"

"Oh…that's because I have _do_ have two personalities…well, more like two halves of myself."

"Two halves?" Sakura repeated, "Like Yin and Yang?"

"Sort of."

Sakura pondered this; It made sense, Zetsu's coloring even matched the theory.

"How did that happen to you?" Sakura asked.

"Well, everyone has a light and dark side," Zetsu replied.

Sakura was confused. "I don't think _I _have two personalities."

"Sure you do," Zetsu said, seating himself next to Sakura on the bench, "Your white side just dominates your black side, that's all."

Sakura shook her head. "I don't understand…"

A loud thud exploded from the kitchen. Apparently Deidara's trap had been set off. The pair in the garden tried their best to ignore this.

"It's like this," Zetsu began to explain, " You're usually pretty nice, right? Pretty caring? **A goody-goody?**"

"Yes…" Sakura said, trying to follow along. Though it was tough to think, what with the sudden uproar emitting from the chaotic kitchen.

"But sometimes, there's that not so shy voice in your head. It's not afraid to hurt other people's feelings. It can be really mean, too," Zetsu explained.

"Yeah," Sakura replied. This sounded very familiar…Zetsu was hitting the nail right on the head for Sakura.

"And sometimes, that 'black side' just kinda bursts out, doesn't it?"

"It does!" Sakura realized. She looked hurriedly down at her skin. Still that same flesh color; for a split-second, she had the unfounded worry she might look like Zetsu because of her realization of her second personality.

Zetsu chuckled. "Don't worry. It's maybe not as…_ visual_ for you."

Sakura sighed with relief. "So, does _everyone_ have something like this?"

"Sure. **There's two sides to every story.**"

Other than herself, Sakura could only think of one other she knew of that might fit that description: Naruto. Though she would never admit this to him, Sakura thought Naruto was such a good person, but she shuddered to think of his "dark" side. Was that the kind of thing Zetsu was referring to? Was it that the bigger the "white" side of the person meant the "black" side had to be greater? Then again, Zetsu's black side had never given her much trouble: he was mean, sure, but it was his seriousness that balanced out the White Side's carefree attitude.

"What does Black Zetsu have to say about this?" Sakura wondered.

"**Pretty much the same**," Black Zetsu replied, "**Except I'd add that you're an idiot.**"

Sakura frowned. "I don't think I like Black Zetsu as much."

"**Oh, come now, that's just **_**Inner Sakura**_** talking.**"

"Maybe," Sakura smiled, "But she's a part of me too, isn't she?"

Zetsu smirked. "**Ah. Touché.**"

* * *

Name: Zetsu

Age: Unknown

Style: Support

Specialty: Intelligence gathering

Other abilities: Split personality, Transporting technique, and …gardening

* * *

**Yeah, I know, it's short. I in the middle of other stuff, okay? (Check my profile for story progress updates! ;)) Hopefully that means I can crank another of these soon for you guys.**

**Also, I've decided to answer my own survey questions, so you guys can learn a little about me:**

**CH 8: 1. Err…I like advancing the plot little by little, but I also love making you guys laugh. With this story, it's really relaxed, and I can kinda do what I please with it, no plot requirements involved**

**2. Well, I want her to interview Itachi soon. I'm interested in developing their relationship**

**3. Purple! :)**

**4. Sakura already went on a mission, but I hope it's not the last!**

**CH 9: 1. I'm writing a fanfic about the ENTIRE Akatsuki, what do you think? Although for whatever reason, I'm particularly fond of Sasori, at least the persona I've created for him.**

**2. Actually, believe it or not I really like Sai right now. I HATED him at first, but he grew on me I guess. I like how he eventually tries to become more human; he does everything right on paper, but unfortunately for him, relationships are a little more complicated than that. It leads to some hilarious scenes. I hope he makes a guest appearance here eventually.**

**3. Um…Kakashi might be fun. His laid-back attitude might go well with the insane Akatsuki.**

**4. I kinda agree with some of your guys' comments: Sasuke is an idiot in Shippuden. Just when his character was getting interesting, he totally blows it and makes a dumbass mistake just so he can kill his blind brother. What a freak. I do actually want to include him in the story, however, maybe fit some Sasuke bashing in. I don't want to do it just yet…**

**CH 10: 1. My favorite chapter is the Christmas one. Gotta love some character development!**

**Hope this is satisfactory! Please review!**


	12. Play Ball!

The room was silent except the sound of Sakura's pen scritch-scratching out her latest report. It was only just after noon, but Sakura's eyes were already heavy; the Akatsuki had had a lengthy meeting earlier this morning. And of course, it couldn't be a normal meeting, the members _had_ to turn it into a chaotic mess. The meeting was exhausting and took twice as long as it was meant to, especially after Deidara set off a total of _twelve_ bombs and proceeded to blame Hidan, who_ somehow_ took the bait and started firing off vulgar insults to everyone else. Only arguments could follow, including one where Konan was convinced Hidan was guilty even though everyone knew better. It was pretty ugly.

But naturally, Sakura's job didn't end there. The fight had resulted in several injuries, which, among them, was Hidan with several nasty paper cuts.

Not only that, but Lady Tsunade had instructed Sakura to transcript _every single Akatsuki meeting_. She believed the meetings would hold clues as to whether the Akatsuki were involved in the attacks or not. Sakura knew better, but she couldn't disobey her master's wishes. It sounded like things were getting serious back in the Hidden Leaf Village, and Tsunade would need her full cooperation now more than ever.

So, Sakura was completing her latest round of transcripts. Sakura wondered what Tsunade thought when she read these, because…_Well let's face it, _she thought, _these meetings NEVER stay relevant._ Among her transcripts were a few zany quotes, including:

"Do we really even need toilet paper? It costs so much."

"Zetsu has requested that members stop urinating in his green house."

"Hey, pass the f*** please."

"Do you think bath soap is explosive?"

"Whoa! That is one loooooong pencil! **That's what she said.**"

"Deidara, you really need to stop blowing up passing cars."

"I'm a monkey in a bathtub!"

"Does this coat make me look fat?"

"Mazel tov!"

"Sasori, did you have to cut your d*** off when you turned into a puppet?"

"Jesus has nothing to do with it, Cherry!"

"We really need to find a better outlet for you people!"

Yes, the last quote was Sakura's personal favorite. _We need to find a better outlet…that's the understatement of the year._

Indeed, since the mission Kakuzu and Hidan had received, the Akatsuki had gotten absolutely no missions at all from the Leaf. As a result, the members were getting restless, releasing their strange interests in the form of troublemaking, to the dismay of everyone around them.

Kisame made regular trips to the pet store and there now was an aquarium of hungry-looking sharks adorning every room. (Sakura wondered if his time would be better spent feeding them.) For some reason, he also like to swim with the sharks, so most rooms also became very wet. More than once, Sakura had slipped in a puddle (twice Itachi had caught her, mumbling something threatening) and Hidan's loud cursing signaled each instance he slipped, too.

The rooms of the castle had also filled with plants of every shape and size imaginable; yep, the garden had become too ho-hum for Zetsu, apparently. Some of the plants were gorgeous: beautiful tropical flowers, tall palm trees, lush acacia trees towering over the front foyer. Some were not-so-pleasant, namely the amalgam of man-eating plants that chomped at you everywhere you tried to walk. Worse was the fact that they camouflaged so well with the rest of the plants, you couldn't discern them from a harmless plant. These, too, were underfed.

In addition to the base looking more like a treacherous jungle, Tobi had taken to annoying everyone in sight and, when no one was around, screaming all hours of the day. Hidan became tired of walking from the television set up to his room to perform his rituals, so he did them in the living room: a pool of blood filled the couch as he shout at reruns of the Vampire Diaries. ("Idiot vampires! You're supposed to kill people not fall in love with them! What kind of sh**ty show is this?") Meanwhile, Kakuzu charged random tolls in the hallways, usually around dinnertime. Even Sasori, who was usually calm in these situations, had taken to planting puppet string traps around the house and controlling people. (Sakura had to admit it was funny, though: After Sasori had caught toll-trolling Kakuzu, he proceeded into a game of "Stop hitting yourself.") And absolutely no one was safe from Deidara's bombs.

Sakura paused, her pen hovering just above the paper. In a fragile state of mind, she considered begging Tsunade to give the Akatsuki missions. _No, I can't. Lady Tsunade already has her hands full with the state of things in Konoha. I can't bother her with this,_ she reminded herself.

But then again, if Sakura was suddenly needed back home, wouldn't she need to be in prime mental condition to handle any on-coming attacks? She most certainly could not say that about her current condition. Those damn mercenaries…

Sakura jolted upright. That was it. The mercenaries. The Leaf needed help fighting, right? Well, who better to fight criminals than ex-criminals…i.e. the Akatsuki! That could also help clear their name, depending on how they react during the mission. If they were working with the mercenaries, Sakura would be able to tell and report back directly to the Hokage!

It was a long shot, but Sakura decided to give it a try.

Dear Lady Tsunade,

Here's my latest report. As requested it includes complete transcripts of all Akatsuki meetings. In addition, I wonder if it might be a good idea to clear their name by sending them on a mission to investigate the mercenary attacks and see how they react. I could accompany them and report back on my findings. I know you're short-handed right now and I thought this might be a good way to help. Please consider this suggestion.

Sakura

Sakura prayed that would be enough to get the Akatsuki some missions and waylay all the annoyances she had been experiencing. Best-case scenario, she could return home at last.

With that hope in mind, she folded up the letter into an envelope and headed to the aviary. Sakura was crossing the foyer towards the north wing when Kakuzu popped out of the shadows, startling Sakura.

"Wah! Kakuzu!"

"It's a toll. 50 ryo," he demanded.

"50? What makes you think I have any money at all?" Sakura asked angrily, "And why are you taking tolls now? Dinner's not for another few hours."

"Leader called a meeting," Kakuzu answered, "50 ryo."

Sakura dug into her pockets and managed to pay the greedy old man. "Tell Pain I'll be there after I've sent this letter," she said irritably.

"Thank you for your patronage," Kakuzu growled greedily as he set off towards the dining room, flipping through his wad of tolls.

_What could Pain want this time?_ Sakura thought while she attached her letter to Shisui the raven and sent him on his way.

* * *

"Baseball," Pain said with finality, "I've gathered you here for baseball."

The rest of the Akatsuki stared blankly at him.

"Baseball? Are you out of your f***ing mind?"

"**Looks like you've finally cracked Leader.** Weird I didn't think he'd be the first to go."

Even Konan, Pain's wholehearted supporter, looked at him strangely. "Um, sweetie, what exactly do you mean when you say 'baseball'? Do you mean the _sport_ or…?

"I mean exactly what I say," Pain asserted. His orange eyes were relatively calm for a crazy man. "Listen: it's evident that we haven't been getting missions from the Leaf."

"No duh, hmm," Deidara spat, "I don't think I've left the castle in almost a month."

Pain continued, ignoring Deidara, "But that's no reason for us to act like children. We haven't exactly been taking the free time well…"

"Because we're _bored,_" Sasori moaned. The other members nodded in agreement.

"Well, I'm about to solve all that," Pain announced.

"Oh boy," Sakura murmured to herself.

"We're going to play a game of baseball to distract all you punks from getting into other kinds of trouble."

* * *

"This is stupid," Kakuzu declared, "_I _was actually using my time for something useful."

"Just shut up and take a damn glove," Hidan ordered, in a worse mood than usual.

The entire team and Sakura had been led to a large clearing in the forest behind the castle. Pain had apparently been preparing for this for a while, because he had gloves and bats for everyone and they were in looked like a homemade baseball field, complete with pitcher's mound, three bases and home plate.

"I'm going to be umpire," Pain asserted. The way he treated the situation, one would think they were just on another mission. "The rest of you line up."

Pain picked out two team captains: Sasori and Itachi. This decision was met with shouts of protest.

"How come they get to be team captains, un?" Deidara complained.

"Tobi wants to be team captain!"

"Hell no, I don't want _Tobi_ to be captain!"

Pain sighed. "Everyone will get to be captain eventually! Now stay silent and they'll pick teams!"

Itachi went first. He stared blankly at the awkward line. Sakura was suddenly reminded of a high school gym class; she now secretly wished she wouldn't be picked last.

"Kisame, I guess," Itachi decided at last. The shark-man grinned and took his place at Itachi's side.

Sasori was next. He looked thoughtfully at the line of misfits. Deidara was looking confidently at Sasori, smiling and nodding as if sure he would be picked. Tobi squirmed excitedly next to Sakura, who was feeling more uncomfortable by the minute.

"Ummmm…Hidan," Sasori said.

Deidara's expression was priceless. His jaw dropped and his gray-blue eye widened. "_Hidan?_ You chose Hidan before me?"

Sasori shrugged his creaky shoulders. "He's more athletic than you."

Deidara shook his head, still staring unbelievably at Sasori. Meanwhile, Itachi made his next pick, which was Zetsu.

Sasori then picked Konan and Sakura (to her relief), and Itachi picked Kakuzu. Now only Deidara and Tobi were left.

"Are you kidding me?" Deidara shouted. "I'm almost last?"

Sasori went to chose. "Hmm…How about Tobi?"

"WHAT?" Deidara was livid.

"Sorry, Dei, you're just too girly," Hidan explained.

"That leaves you with us then, Deidara," Itachi said.

Deidara grumbled his way over to Itachi's team. Pain stood and rubbed his hands together.

"Aright! We've got the dream team!" Konan said enthusiastically.

"Dream team? We're the ones with Itachi over here. We're gonna kick your asses," Kakuzu challenged.

"F*** off, you old man-" Hidan was cut off by Konan's calm hand.

"Hidan, please," she said. She turned to Kakuzu. "KAKUZU, YOU DON'T WHAT THE HELL YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT! WE ARE GONNA _DESTROY_ YOU!"

"Is that so? Wanna bet?" Kakuzu brought out his toll money tantalizingly.

Konan smirked. "_Yeah_ I do," she said with confidence.

"How about 50 ryo?"

"Deal."

"Alright teams, if you please," Pain said, "Start strategizing and figure out which positions you will be playing for. There are only five of you each, so there'll be some positions you can't fill."

Sasori's team huddled close.

"Okay," Sasori began, "I want Hidan pitching, because he's left-handed, Sakura you'll-"

"Tobi thinks we should name the team."

Sasori sighed. "Fine…what did you have in mind?"

"The Rainbows!"

"We should be the Skulls!" Hidan asserted, "No, wait…the Reapers! Spelled with a 'z' 'cause it's cooler."

"That's way too lame," Konan said.

"You're just jealous because you didn't think of it first!"

"Tobi wants to be the Rainbows!" Tobi whined.

"Alright, we'll be the Rainbows," Sasori declared.

"WHAT?" Hidan screeched.

"Just pipe down so we can play this game already," Sakura ordered.

Sasori continued rattling off his lineup. "Okay, as I said, I want Hidan pitching. Konan second base _and_ shortstop. Sakura, first base. Tobi, you'll be our only outfielder. You up for it?"

Tobi squirmed around, before practically exploding with his answer. "Yyyyyyyeah!"

"Okay. I'll be catcher," Sasori said. "Cherry, since you're probably our biggest hitter, I want you to bat forth. It gives a better chance for runs."

"Okay," Sakura said.

"Bring your hands in team," Konan said, preparing for a cheer. "On the count of three, Team Rainbow. Ready?"

"TEAM RAINBOW!" the team yelled. Hidan remained silent, glowering at Konan.

"Oh, come on Hidan, you gotta have team spirit!" chided Konan, "Come on!"

"Oh _fine!_ Team Rainbow!" he called half-heartedly, "Whatever!"

"We're ready," Sasori told Pain, who was now in full umpire gear. Sasori told Pain Team Rainbow's starting lineup.

"We're ready as well," Itachi said. "We are Team Reaperz. Our lineup is-"

"HEY! What the hell? They stole that name from us!"

"I didn't hear any 'z' in your name," Kakuzu taunted, "Team _Rainbow._"

Hidan crossed his arms and muttered a few choice words.

At last, when everyone was ready, Pain called, "Play ball!"

Team Reaperz was up to bat first. Zetsu ambled up, holding his bat awkwardly.

"**How am I supposed to swing this?**" he wondered, trying to line up a proper swing around his plant appendages.

Hidan wound up, then released, the ball swerving in a curve. Zetsu had to dodge out of the way.

"Ball!" Pain called.

Sasori glared at Hidan as he threw back the ball. Apparently that was _not_ what Sasori had called.

Hidan shrugged, then set up for the next pitch. This one was fast, and headed right between Zetsu's plant appendages; he had to duck to avoid a ball to the face.

"Ball!"

"HIDAN! Where are you throwing it?" Sasori shouted angrily.

"What the f***? You keep giving me the finger! I thought that meant I had to make him f*** off!"

Sasori rubbed his face. "No. I am _not _giving you the finger and I do _not_ want Zetsu to f*** off."

"Oh. Well why didn't you just say so?" Hidan called, catching Sasori's return throw. He lined up for the next pitch.

This one was right on the money; another fast ball, right over the plate. Zetsu attempted a clumsy swing, but missed by a mile.

"Strike one!" Pain shouted.

Hidan sank back into his stance again, twisting the ball around in his left hand. He stretched, pitched…

"Strike two!" Another perfect fast ball. Sasori had a small smile now; apparently the Jashinist was finally cooperating.

Lining up another throw, Hidan pitched…

"Strike three! You're out!"

"**Damn.**"

"F*** yeah! That's a K for me!" Hidan celebrated with a fist pump.

Kakuzu stepped up next. "It's because you're left-handed. You're not really that great otherwise."

"Yeah, we'll see about that, old man."

Kakuzu growled, glaring at Hidan on the pitcher's mound. Hidan's violet eyes narrowed as he lined up, stretched, pitched a curve, curving left…

WHAM! Kakuzu tipped it hard. "Foul ball!" Pain announced. Kakuzu was unperturbed and he set up for his next swing.

WHAM!

"Foul!"

WHAM

"Foul!"

WHAM!

"Foul!"

"Will you quit f***ing fouling the ball!" Hidan shouted, losing his patience.

"I _will_ hit a homer against you," Kakuzu stated.

_Apparently, it's personal for Kakuzu,_ Sakura thought from her position at first. "C'mon Hidan, get him with this next one!"

"Kakuzu! You're trying too hard!" Kisame called from the dugout (which was really just a log they all sat on.) "Just get a hit! Get on base!"

Hidan pitched again and WHAM! Kakuzu hit a nice pop-up to left-field. Tobi stood idly in center-field, gazing at a butterfly.

"Tobi!" Konan yelled. "MOVE!"

Tobi perked up and spotted the oncoming ball. He poofed to left-field, appearing right under the ball.

"Tobi caught it!"

Konan beamed. "Nice catch, Tobi!"

Kakuzu grumbled as he walked back to the dugout, Hidan flashing him rude gestures from the pitcher's mound.

Deidara stepped up to bat. "We'll see who's more athletic, _Danna_," he hissed spitefully to the catcher. Sasori only frowned.

The wind-up, and the pitch: Deidara whiffed at it. "Strike one!" Hidan threw another, "Strike two!"

Deidara was disgruntled now. He banged the bat heavily on the plate and adjusted his hands; Sakura was thoroughly disgusted when she noticed long strings of saliva coming off of Deidara's bat from his hands. Sakura guessed he was not only holding the bat with his hands, but was gripping it with his teeth.

Hidan threw another; Deidara watched it pass. "Ball!"

"Good eye, Deidara!" Kisame yelled. He seemed to have taken on a coaching role and was quite proud of it. "Now, don't swing so hard! Just get on base with a nice grounder…"

The next pitch Deidara tipped lightly to an empty space infield. Konan rushed to grab it as Deidara laughed like a madman all the way to first.

"Ha ha! See, my man, I _can_ get on base!" he shouted at Sasori as he touched first.

Konan threw the ball at Sakura, who caught it, but they were far too late. Deidara was already doing a jig on first, singing out, "First hit! First hit!"

Sakura punched him in the shoulder. "Just shut up, will you?"

He returned to looking grumpy, but quieted down.

Next up: Kisame ambled up, grinning proudly. "I'll bring you home Dei!"

"Yeah right!" Hidan called angrily. "You're gonna get f***in' struck out!"

Hidan threw another two strikes, but the third pitch Kisame crushed into the outfield. He took off as the hit left his bat.

Meanwhile in the outfield, Tobi had made a lovely grass necklace.

"TOBI!" Konan shouted, "HEADS UP!"

But Tobi wasn't ready this time and the ball hit the ground for a fair hit. Tobi perked up at last (after many shouts and curses from his teammates) and poofed to the ball a few feet away, then poofed in front of Hidan.

"Here you go, Hi-"

"ARE YOU A F***ING IDIOT? THROW THE BALL HOME YOU MORON!"

Tobi yelped and started crying, tears streaming out from under his orange mask. Hidan, now immensely irritated, snatched the ball and threw it to Sasori at home.

Sasori was ready, but Deidara had already slid into home plate.

"First run!" he taunted Sasori as he returned to his earlier jig.

"Just shut up," Sasori glowered.

Tobi was still sobbing on the pitcher's mound. Hidan tried pushing him away, but Tobi insisted on rolling around on the mound in hysteria.

"Leader," Sasori said, glancing at the ump behind him, "Can we have a time-out?"

"Yeah, take care of that," Pain replied, pointing at the bawling Tobi. He said it almost relieved, like he was glad _he_ didn't have to deal with it.

The team gathered at the mound.

"What the f***, Tobi? It's _your_ fault! Crying about it isn't going to solve anything-"

"T-Tobi is _sorry_! Tobi was j-just…trying to help!" Tobi sniveled. "Tobi is a bad bad boy…"

Sasori grabbed Tobi and pulled him to his feet. "It's fine, Tobi, just pay attention next time. Hidan, get a hold of that temper."

"How is this _my _fault?" Hidan protested, "Why'd we have to have friggin' _Tobi_ on the team?"

"He's just saying you shouldn't blow up at the littlest things, jerk!" Sakura scolded. "Poor Tobi doesn't know any better."

"Ah, hell, Cherry, what do you know?"

Sakura went to retort, but Tobi was now attacking her with hugs. "Cherry understands! Tobi likes Cherry Blossom."

"Team Rainbow! Get a move on!" Pain yelled, with some snickers from Team Reaperz.

"Alright, Sasori, any other comments?" Konan asked.

"Don't let this run get to you. Kisame can hit, but he's damn slow, so we'll get him out, don't worry. Then we'll get that run back."

The team all nodded and put their hands in for a cheer. (Tobi was now back to his giggly excited self).

"Team Rainbow!"

"Yeah, yeah, Team Rainbow! Whatever!"

The team was much more in synch this time around, which was good because Itachi-known to be a prodigy in pretty much everything he tries-stepped up to the plate. He was as calm as ever, sharingan glinting at Hidan as he wound up for a swing.

Hidan's pitch was hit and Itachi sprinted for first while Kisame streaked for home. The ball bounced on the grass but in an instant Tobi was there to pick it up and throw it home.

"Here you go, Sasori! Tobi's throwing it home!"

Tobi chucked it halfway across the park, just as Kisame was closing in. For a nervous moment, Sakura thought Kisame might make it. He made a fantastic dive for the plate just as the ball reached Sasori. Dust was thrown up all around them. As it cleared, Pain looked at the scene. Everyone waited attentively for his call.

The dust settled, and everyone could see Sasori, his brown eyes wide, his glove placed calmly on Kisame. Kisame was sprawled under him, hands outreached towards the plate. Sasori's other hand was raised for some reason.

Then Sakura saw why: Sasori had used his Puppet Master jutsu at the last second to stop Kisame from touching home plate. Kisame's blue hands hovered just above it, struggling desperately to touch home.

"He's out!" Pain announced. This was met with groans from Team Reaperz.

"Hey, he can't use his jutsu like that!" Kakuzu complained.

"Why not? Itachi used his sharingan," Sasori pointed out.

"Yeah, un, but that's…that's different!" Deidara sputtered.

"Jutsu _is_ allowed!" Pain said, "Now hurry up and switch; that was three outs."

Kisame grumbled as he took his place at the catcher's position. It appeared Itachi was also a prodigy pitcher, too, because he walked up onto the mound. Deidara was first baseman, Zetsu covered shortstop and Kakuzu ambled into the outfield.

"Aw hell! The old man's detachable limbs means he can reach anywhere in the outfield!" Hidan complained.

Tobi went to bat first. He needed only an easy bunt and he flashed to first base.

"Didja see that sempai? Didja? Tobi made it to first!"

Deidara gave Tobi a good shove before returning his attention to the next batter.

"C'mon, Itachi, strike this bastard out!" Kisame called to his pitcher.

"I'm a girl!" Konan complained.

Itachi did just that; his fastballs were insanely fast, and he had a wicked knuckleball that rose upward almost two feet as it passed over the plate. Konan didn't stand a chance.

"Why couldn't we get Itachi?" Konan whined as she walked dejectedly back to the dugout.

"Hey! What about me?" Hidan protested as he passed her.

Hidan was up next. After a ball and two strikes, he got a lucky hit, a line drive past Zetsu.

Somehow Hidan had managed to get the first baseman in his curse jutsu, because when he purposely stubbed his toe in the ground, Deidara yelped with pain, hopping on one foot and nursing the other. The ball Zetsu had thrown to him conked him in the head. Hidan then jammed his finger (thus jamming Deidara's) and jogged up to first.

Deidara shook his hurting hand. "Ouch! D***head!"

Hidan burst out with evil laughter.

Sakura was up next. She stepped up to plate, remembering what Sasori had said. _You're probably our biggest hitter…_ Sakura hoped feverishly that she would live to that.

Itachi seemed to think the same thing; he came close to walking Sakura with three balls and no strikes. Sakura decided she better start swinging at some of these, but she could barely keep track of Itachi's fast balls. They whizzed past her in a blur, landing with a thud in Kisame's glove.

"3 and 2!" Pain shouted the count. _It's now or never,_ Sakura thought. She readied herself for the next swing.

WHAM! Just like Kakuzu's, this hit went sailing into left field. Unlike Kakuzu's, however, this one went about three times as far. The ball floated over the treetops and was lost in the forest.

"Uh…Homerun!" Pain said.

Sakura skipped happily around the bases, smiling smugly at Deidara as she past. "First homerun Dei!" she taunted him. Deidara stuck all three tongues out at her.

Sasori came up next, puppet limbs creaking. Itachi threw a changeup and psyched out Sasori, who swung impossibly early. Though he looked unperturbed by the strike, Sakura could tell he was frustrated; his slight countenance change was Sasori's version of "angry."

Itachi pitched again, this time it was the expected fast ball and Sasori was ready. He hit an infield grounder and rushed to first. The ball bounced straight to Itachi, who picked it up and tossed it to Deidara.

Once again, the runner decided to mess with Deidara; this time Sasori used his Puppet Master jutsu to move Deidara's arms, causing the baseball to thunk off his head again.

"Oh, for the love of…_Sasori,_" Deidara whined.

"I thought you said you were athletic. Why didn't you catch the ball?" Sasori said calmly. His calmness made the insult seem worse, and Deidara was now fuming.

Next, Tobi batted again and got on base, followed by Konan who nearly took Itachi's head off with a screaming line drive. Kakuzu was beside himself with anger. _He's probably worried he'll lose his bet,_ Sakura thought to herself.

Hidan hit a pop-up which Kakuzu missed in his anger. He snatched up the ball and tossed it to first. Unfortunately for Team Reaperz, poor Deidara became the victim of Hidan's curse jutsu again. Struggling against his twisted arm, he missed the catch despite his best efforts.

"Deidara, come on!" Kakuzu screeched angrily.

Deidara grabbed the ball and threw it back to Itachi. "It's not my fault, un! I'm the victim here!"

"**You've got to be the **_**worst**_** first baseman, **_**ever.**_ C'mon, give him a break…"

Deidara's temper got worse than Sakura had ever seen it. She could practically see the steam blowing from his ears. "Oh, I'll show you! I'll show you all!" he was gnashing his teeth as he spat out his vague threat.

With the bases loaded, Sakura was up once again. She wanted to repeat her last success-this time bringing in a grand slam for Team Rainbow. She tightened her grip on the bat and stared intently at Itachi. Itachi wound up, pitched…

A nice, slow changeup. It sailed toward Sakura at a perfect speed. _Yes,_ she thought, _This one's going out of the park!_ She swung the bat and-

BOOM

The ball exploded in a huge, fiery light. Sakura was propelled backwards along with everyone else within a mile radius. The entire baseball field was engulfed in the explosion. When the dust settled, Sakura saw only a humongous crater where home plate was.

She struggled back to her feet, dazed by the blow. Kisame stumbled up beside her.

"Wha…What _happened?_" he said, looking around confusedly.

Pain emerged from some rubble near by. Brushing off his Akatsuki cloak, he walked forward, surveying the field.

"Report!"

"I'm fine," Sakura told him. Kisame nodded in agreement.

"Urgh…me too," Itachi called, unburying himself from the former pitcher's mound. Members all around him shouted out their status.

"I'm fine. **Only just.**"

"Tobi is a good boy!"

"Yeah, Konan is too. I mean…I'm a girl!"

"Ugh…I'm fine…unfortunately. Damn bet…"

"What the f*** just happened?"

"The field blew up. What do you think?"

"That. Was. AWESOME."

Everyone turned to the last voice, the impossibly excited voice that was pushing aside the dirt that had buried it during the explosion. He smiled with a sly grin, his blue-gray eye alight.

"I just wanted to end with a bang, hmm."

The Akatsuki glowered at the blonde. "Deidara," Sakura hissed. She stormed towards where he stood. "You could've killed me!"

"Now, listen Cherry…really, it was just a bit of fun…hrm," Deidara panicked as he backed away from Sakura's mounting rage.

Sakura charged up and punched Deidara halfway across the ruined field. The rest of the Akatsuki watched, content, as he stopped dead into a tree.

Pain smiled. "I'd say that's a homerun."

* * *

**A/N: Yep. Baseball.**

**I know what you're thinking: "Hey, why would Hidan be left-handed?" (Or at least, that's what **_**I'd**_** be thinking) Well, I have a reason-Hidan uses his scythe in his left hand. And personally, I don't think anyone would want to use that huge scythe on their off-hand. Besides, about 12-15% of people in the world are left-handed. So probability says that at least one of the Akatsuki should be left-handed. (10 members. 15% of that is 1.5 rounded to a whole number is 1 or 2. 1/10 Akatsuki…Get it?) It's just more relevant in sports too, especially baseball.**

**Also, sorry that was so friggin' long. I hope I didn't bore you guys. Please review!**

**Oh, and I almost forgot; I'm planning on doing a Forth of July chapter, but want a little feedback from y'all to see what I should do. So…some questions please:**

**1. Do I need to explain what Forth of July is to my non-American readers?**

**2. Does it make sense to have that here? I mean…they **_**are**_** of Japanese origin…**

**3. I want a few GUEST CHARACTERS in that chapter. Who? **


	13. Even Brighter Than the Moon

**So I found a way around the whole Fourth of July thing. It's **_**summer**_**. You see for me, a classic summer day is a beer on the back porch with someone out grilling and Motley Crue playing. Summer is those warm evenings at a festival with a fireworks show and some good summer music. All with your friends and family, of course. And all of that happens on the Fourth of July. So this summer isn't **_**technically**_** about July 4th****, but it is in honor of it. Enjoy!** **(And for those of you who live on the southern hemisphere…hang in there! Only six more months!)**

* * *

BOOM! Deidara watched as another of his creations exploded into life on the front lawn.

Ah yes, nothing excited Deidara more the colorful flash of an explosion lighting up his wide gray-blue eyes. Each boom thundered through the air, shaking his entire body, right down to his racing heart. Sparks danced along the grass before burning themselves out. Deidara reached into his clay pouch to start molding another.

"**Stop it,**" a voice growled. It was Zetsu, growing out of the grass, glaring at Deidara.

"What is it Zetsu? You don't appreciate my art, hmm?"

"Oh, I appreciate it just fine," he said, "**It's the plants that don't. Your 'art' is ruining my beautiful yard.**"

"Well if it were true beauty, un, it'd only last a moment," Deidara replied whimsically.

"**I don't want to hear any of your 'art is a bang' crap. Go play pyromaniac somewhere else.**"

Deidara grumbled, "Fine, un…"

He sulked back towards the castle through the thick hot air characteristic of July. _He just doesn't understand my art,_ Deidara mused woefully. He sighed as he looked around at the hot, dry weather-perfect for exploding things-and decided he'd better find a way to use up these glorious conditions.

He scratched his long blonde hair as he thought to himself. _If only the Akatsuki had a reason to celebrate…_

* * *

Sakura had the awful chore of having to restock the infirmary. After months of Hidan's "accidents," Deidara's explosions and Tobi's boo-boos, her supplies had decreased significantly. She only had a handful of sedatives and three band aids left.

So, she was forced to go through the awful process of asking Kakuzu for money (more like pleading) buying a bunch of supplies (Sakura now had enough sedatives to take down a heard of elephants) and then lugging all of the stuff to the infirmary. To make matters worse, the castle's air-conditioning had decided to not work today, the hottest day they had had all summer. July had only just began and already the dog-days of summer were hitting hard.

With sweat pouring down her limbs, Sakura was in the process of carrying boxes from the kitchen's back door, all the way across the castle down into the infirmary. Each trip felt a mile longer than Sakura remembered them. And each box seemed to be weighing a ton more than the last.

This particular box was being difficult; more than once Sakura had nearly toppled over. She was currently trudging through the huge foyer when she passed Zetsu.

"Good afternoon, Cherry," he greeted.

"Maybe for you," Sakura snapped.

"It is," Zetsu agreed, "I finally got Deidara to stop blowing things up in the yard."

"Well la-di-da," Sakura retorted, setting down the box she was carrying with a huff. The thing seemed to be getting heavier and heavier to Sakura's weary limbs.

"Hm. Inner Sakura seems to be quite active today," Zetsu observed.

Sakura was about to give a cheeky remark when a knock sounded at the door. Zetsu looked back at the massive black double door.

"That's strange…we're not expecting anyone today…" he went to answer the door.

Glad to be free of Zetsu cheerfulness during her own miserable day, Sakura returned to hauling the heavy box to the infirmary. She maintained her despondent demeanor until she heard a familiar voice at the door. A very loud excited voice.

"Is Sakura around here?" he asked Zetsu.

"Naruto?" Sakura called, trying to peer around Zetsu to the visitors at the door.

She spotted him; his sunny blonde hair and bright blue eyes were hard to miss. His face lit up when he saw Sakura. "Sakura!"

Totally ignoring the baffled Zetsu, the knuckle-headed ninja charged in to greet his pink-haired friend. Behind him, the other people with him followed, throwing tentative glances at the plant-like doorman.

"Sakura! So nice to see you!" Ino called. Her pale blonde hair was pulled back in the usual ponytail. She gave Sakura a wink.

"Ino! And you brought Choji and Shikamaru!" Sakura noted, waving happily to her friends.

Ino's teammates were not as receptive as Ino. Choji was stuffing his face as usual with a big bag of potato chips and Shikamaru merely grunted, like he really didn't want to be here, but had no choice.

"Hello Sakura!" another excited voice called next to Naruto. It was Rock Lee, saluting proudly in his green jumpsuit and sporting a shiny black bowl-cut. "Looking more beautiful than ever!"

Sakura giggled. "Thanks Lee! Not looking too bad yourself."

The last guest stepped up to greet Sakura. He wore a permanent smile and had very pale skin. "Nice to see you again…Billboard Brow."

Sakura flinched before grabbing him by the collar. "If it hadn't been months since I last saw you Sai, you'd be knocked out across the room."

Sai stared confusedly at Sakura, "I…I don't understand…" Sakura saw him look to Ino with a puzzled expression. Ino was giggling out of control.

"Well I see you haven't done anything with that temper," Shikamaru observed.

Sakura released Sai before glaring at Shikamaru. "Yeah. Care to see how it's improved?"

"No thanks," Shikamaru resigned, smirking.

"So what brings all of you way out here to Chateau Akatsuki?" Sakura asked, indicating the intimidating foyer around them.

"We wanted to come visit you. We figured you'd be getting lonely," Ino explained.

"And we all had the day off, so we thought, 'Why not?'" Choji added between mouthfuls.

"This may've not been the best time. Everyone around here is restless, and I've got all this work to do…" Sakura looked dejectedly at the box next to her.

Lee stepped up determinedly. "Ah! A opportunity for a training exercise! We will assist Sakura with the utmost speed so we may visit with her!"

Everyone grumbled about the work, but agreed it was necessary. Lee grabbed the box from Sakura and started sprinting to where Sakura directed him, and the rest of the gang followed her to the kitchen.

"**Leader will want to know about this…**" Zetsu mentioned quietly to Sakura as he passed the group.

"I know," she said, "So tell him."

She didn't care at this point what Pain thought about her crew arriving to visit her. She was just happy they were there. It made her miserable day astronomically better. Pain would just have to deal with it.

Sakura's work went ten times as fast with the help of her friends, and in no time at all, she was putting away the last box of supplies.

"Now," she said with finality, closing the cabinet, "What do you guys want to do?"

"Let's have a grill out!" Choji suggested with enthusiasm. After heaving all those boxes, apparently Choji had worked up an appetite again.

"A grill out? Come _on_ Choji, why do you always think of your stomach?" Ino whined.

"Yeah Choji," Shikamaru added, "We're in a top secret hideout of ex-criminals and all you want to do is have a cook-out?"

Choji shrugged, rubbing his tummy. But Sakura seemed to warm up to the idea.

"Yeah…" she said, "A cook-out sounds like a great idea!"

* * *

Deidara was positively beaming. Trotting excitedly around to the side of the castle, he giggled like a school girl. Cherry's little friends had come for a visit, had they? Cherry had gone to Leader and insisted that a grill-out would be a good thing for the Akatsuki; a way to release all their pent-up energy. She had no idea what Deidara had in store.

Rounding to the side of the castle, Deidara came upon a tarp-covered area where the Akatsuki kept their fire wood. (Though Deidara wasn't sure _why_ they would ever need it) With a flourish, he grabbed the tarp and uncovered not the expected log piles, put instead stacks of fireworks. His tongues flailed eagerly as he rubbed his hands together.

Deidara had been saving these up for a special event such as this. Finally, here was a chance to show off, a chance to show the world (or at least a handful of teenaged ninjas) what his art was capable of. A perfect opportunity to blow stuff up.

Deidara began carefully unloading the fireworks, placing them at periodical spaces all along the lawn. He was just about to set off the first one when he realized a problem: he couldn't just set off one at a time…how was he supposed to light these up simultaneously?

He rubbed his chin and thought while he hungrily eyed the bright apple red rocket standing in front of him. He just couldn't resist…the thought of setting that colorful shape into the air ablaze, red sparks cascading beautifully down on the viewers, all lasting a few moments. He had to try one. Just a test run…then he could figure out his problem.

Finding a good soft spot in the ground, Deidara shoved the rocket upright and went to light up the fuse. The fuse reluctantly caught fire, blowing off sparks as it burned through. Deidara was going to run for cover, but the rocket tumbled over. Deidara quickly straightened it up.

"What're you doing?" another voice asked.

Flinching because he thought it might be one of the Takatsuki (or worse, Sakura…) Deidara turned to see his visitor, a blonde ninja with bright blue eyes. It was the Nine-Tailed Fox kid (though his name escaped Deidara at the moment), one of Sakura's friends, and he eyed the rocket with innocent curiosity.

Deidara harrumphed. "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm creating art."

"Looks like you're about to blow up a bunch of fireworks to me," the boy responded bluntly.

"Like you would understand my art!" Deidara shouted back irritably. He moved to ignore the boy and turn his attention to the now very short fuse.

"What I meant was, I wanted to help out…ya know, with your art stuff."

"My 'art stuff' is very intricate," Deidara explained impatiently, "I wouldn't expect a brat like you to know how to handle it."

"Hey! I'm not bad with explosives! See, watch-" the boy went to grab for the rocket.

"Hey let go, un!"

The struggle for possession of the firework turned to disaster as the fuse ran out and the firework ignited. Tipped sideways, the rocket blasted off horizontally along the lawn, blasting the two blonde ninja with black smoke.

BOOM!

The firework exploded in a glowing red blast of color.

"Wow that was awesome!" the blonde boy exclaimed. His face was covered in black soot.

Deidara fussed over his singed hair. "It most certainly was not, hmm. You ruined everything! And look-the yard is catching on fire everywhere! Zetsu's gonna kill me!"

The boy made a sign with his hands. "I'll take care of it! Shadow Clone Jutsu!"

In a flash of smoke, the single boy suddenly turned into seven, and the group of clones began running around the yard, putting out fires quick as a flash.

Deidara's eye lit up like the Forth of July.

"Hey, you said you wanted to help, un?"

The boy had returned accompanied by his clones. "Yeah…"

Deidara smiled. "I think I can use you for something."

* * *

"Choji!" Ino chided, "Stop eating all the hotdogs right off the grill! The rest of us are hungry too ya know!"

Choji didn't seem to notice her, because he grabbed another bratwurst off the grill and shoved it in his mouth. Pain eyed the chubby boy angrily and put on another brat.

Pain had actually whole-heartedly agreed to Sakura's cook-out suggestion, thinking it was a great way to keep the Akatsuki entertained. When Sakura mentioned her friends, however, Pain got worried. He wanted the team to be on their best behavior for the Leaf ninja (even though, Sakura pointed out, these were just a bunch of teens out to have a good time, and probably had no power to hurt or help the Akatsuki's situation.) Pain had given the members a good long speech in the kitchen earlier, and had taken grilling duties upon himself (ya know, to prevent people like…say Deidara from blowing it up or Hidan from catching himself on fire or something). The rest of the Akatsuki were assigned various tasks with varying levels of acceptance (Kakuzu: …How much is this gonna cost?)

As the Akatsuki scurried around, setting up picnic tables and setting out food, Sakura was amazed that they actually _looked_ like an orthodox ninja team. _That must've been one hell of a speech,_ Sakura thought to herself.

Meanwhile, Sakura was able to catch up on happenings in the Leaf village with Ino.

"Not much has changed since we last talked. There are still small attacks and Lady Tsunade is worried it might be someone on the inside. The Anbu is stretched really thin because they're investigating every possibility-"

"And there are a lot," Shikamaru added.

"Sounds like things are getting pretty serious," Sakura observed worriedly.

"I wouldn't worry too much. Could be a feeble attempt at an attack on the Leaf," Shikamaru mused, "None of the attacks have been large enough to do any sort of permanent damage, so the enemy may've underestimated our power."

Shikamaru reclined on a picnic table, apparently taking his own advice. Sakura wondered how that kid could be so lazy and still be a darn good ninja.

Sakura was content to relax with her friends (except for Lee who insisted on doing numerous push-ups) but of course, this was the Akatsuki. She could never relax for too long.

"Heads up Cherry!"

Wham! A Frisbee came flying right into Sakura's head. She grabbed the plastic and whizzed it hard back at the fish-man who had thrown it. "Kisame! Watch where you're throwing!"

"Yeah, yeah okay," Kisame responded carelessly, now focused on the incoming Frisbee. He leapt up and caught it with his teeth like a dog; Except unlike a dog he chomped right through it with his razor-sharp teeth.

"Damn, that's the fifth one," he said, disappointed. He threw the pieces to the side in a pile with the other mangled Frisbees.

"Well, maybe if you quit insisting on catching them in your mouth, we wouldn't go through so many Frisbees," Itachi told him, standing across the yard, apparently playing with his sharky partner.

"But it's fun!"

Sakura shook her fist at Kisame. "You better listen to your partner for once!"

"Relax Cherry, I won't hit you again," Kisame said through his shark-tooth grin.

"Like I haven't heard that one before…" Sakura grumbled.

"Why do they call you Cherry?" Rock Lee asked, taking a break to sit with the gang for a while.

"Oh, well it's kind of a weird story…" Sakura replied, thinking of her first experience with the Akatsuki. She had hated that day as it happened, but as she thought of it again she almost thought of the horrible experience…fondly?

"You see, Tobi, one of the members here, kept calling me 'Cherry Blossom' and the name just sort of stuck I guess," Sakura explained, a shy smile coming to her face.

Shikamaru opened a lazy eye. "Which one is Tobi-"

"TOBI IS HERE!" Tobi landed out of nowhere on Shikamaru's stomach. The table might as well exploded because Lee, Choji, Sai and Ino jumped away with squeals of surprise.

"What is that thing?" Ino screeched, treating the intruder like some sort of creepy-crawly.

Shikamaru looked with mild surprise at the man-child who had just landed on his stomach. Tobi looked around innocently with his bright orange mask, an unseen smile underneath, no doubt.

Tobi beamed down at Shikamaru. "Tobi is a good boy," Tobi told him curtly.

Shikamaru made to get up, but seemed to give up halfway through the attempt and went back to his reclined position.

"Shikamaru," Sakura said to him, "You can just throw him off if you want."

"Meh. Too much work."

"Cherry Blossom was talking about Tobi?" Tobi asked Sakura.

"Yep. I was talking about the first day we met. Do you remember?"

Tobi cocked his head in thought; it was amazing how much he reminded Sakura of a first-grader. "Yeah! Tobi remembers making real good friends with Cherry-chan."

Sakura smiled at him. "That's right!"

The others seemed to realize there was no danger and slowly came back to the table, talking interestedly with Tobi. Ino simply adored him; she liked to treat him like a cute, cuddly little kid who was just learning how to talk. _Which_, Sakura thought, _He basically is._

"My name is Ino," Ino said from her spot right next to Tobi…on Shikamaru's chest. "Can you say 'Ino'? I-no."

"Of course Tobi can. INO!" Tobi ate up the attention Ino was giving him.

"Very good!"

Tobi was now giggling out of control now, wiggling around, close to falling off the table.

"What's so funny Tobi?" Ino asked in a baby voice.

Tobi attempted to control his insane giggling to answer. "I-Ino's name is Pig!"

Ino's jaw dropped. Sakura smiled. "You gotta expect the unexpected, Ino-Pig."

"My name is not Pig!"

"Ino is a piggy! Ino is a piggy!"

Choji and Lee started snickering. Shikamaru smirked. "This guy's got a pretty good read on you, Ino."

Ino moved to beat the hell out of Shikamaru, but something caught her eye that halted her. She suddenly started screeching, pointing towards the grill.

"No, Zetsu, I can't grill that!" Pain said sternly.

"Why not? **You grill your disgusting meat on there.**"

Sakura spotted what Ino-who had passed out, caught by Lee-had been screaming about. Zetsu was holding up a rather mangled-looking rotting corpse. "Oh my God, Zetsu, that's _disgusting._"

"Smells good to me."

"Couldn't you get someone…fresher, at least?" Kisame suggested, holding his nose blocking the rank stench.

"I've been carefully aging this meat. **And I don't want to hunt down someone **_**fresher**_** just because you all have weak stomachs.**"

"For Jashin's sake, that smells like sh** though!" Hidan interjected. He had been unusually silent for a while, but obviously couldn't hold it in any longer. "Hell, even _I'm_ not that gross!"

Sakura knelt by Ino, fanning her and trying to make her come to. "Look, you made Ino pass out Zetsu!"

"Get that out of here. That's an order," Pain commanded.

"Oh, _fine._ **Killjoys.**"

Konan emerged from the castle with another tray-full of hot dogs, observing the ruckus. "Honestly, Zetsu I would have expected this from someone like _Hidan,_" she shot him a dirty look, "or even Deidara. But _you?_ Causing trouble?"

Zetsu was already in a foul mood. Konan's comment did not help one bit. "**Just drop it,**" he grumbled angrily.

"Who…or _what_ was that?" Ino breathed as she finally regained consciousness. She was as white as a ghost.

"Oh, that was just Zetsu," Sakura responded casually. "Konan's right, he usually doesn't cause a ruckus like that."

"Who's Konan?" Lee asked, almost as pale as Ino.

Sakura scratched her head. "Maybe I should just introduce them all."

So she began the long process of pointing out each member and explaining who they were and why they were so f***ed up.

"You've already met Tobi," she said, indicating the orange-masked man still perched on Shikamaru. "He's kind of…childish. We don't know why. And he always wears that mask."

"Tobi's favorite color is orange," Tobi said, as if that explained everything.

"Pain is the leader. The ginger at the grill." Pain lifted his spatula in greeting.

"Konan is the blue-haired one. She's the only girl on the team."

Konan crossed her arms proudly, "Damn straight."

Ino whispered slyly to Sakura. "I can't imagine why." Sakura knew Ino was thinking of her first experience with the Akatsuki; mostly how Hidan was involved.

"Then there's Zetsu. He eats people. And he has a kind of split personality thing going on."

"The plant guy?" Shikamaru asked.

Sakura nodded.

"Just making sure…"

"The idiot loud-mouth is Hidan," Sakura jabbed a finger in his direction.

"You know you love me," he winked, puffing out his chest.

"Yeah, yeah, put a shirt on," Sakura retorted. "Anyway, I would steer clear of him. He tends to severely injure himself. On purpose."

Sai was writing everything down on a notepad in a confused frenzy. He looked up. "Why?"

"Because he's a douche-bag," Sakura told him simply.

Sai nodded like it all made perfect sense. Hidan angrily interjected, "NO! I worship Jashin, that's why!"

"So, you're saying that you're not a douche-bag?" Sai clarified.

"_NO!_"

"Moving on," Sakura continued, rolling her eyes. "there's Kisame, the fish guy. He…likes fish."

Kisame dove for a Frisbee just on cue. He got up and smiled at the guests. "Just a little."

While the others stared in bewilderment, Choji at last turned his attention away from the grill and began drooling at Kisame. "Can we eat him?"

Kisame's eternal grin faltered. Sakura thought he looked a tad bit worried. He lived around enough cannibals to know to take a comment like that seriously.

"I'm just kidding," Choji said, "I like fish, too."

Kisame looked relieved, "Oh. Cool!" His smile had returned, though less wide than usual. He still glanced worriedly at the chubby boy…

"And…you guys know Itachi, right?" Sakura said, pointing at the Uchiha a few yards away.

The gang glanced nervously in his direction, but otherwise said nothing. They knew all the stories, Sakura was sure. She bet Ino's intense stare meant she was thinking the same thing Sakura thought when she first saw him. _He looks like Sasuke…_

But Itachi came over in a rather friendly manner. (Well, as friendly as Itachi gets…) "Pleasure to meet you."

Only Sai was unaffected. While the others shuddered, he seemed glad to get the chance to practice his social skills. "Likewise," he chirped.

"Um…there's Kakuzu coming out of the castle," Sakura went on, hoping to distract them from Itachi. "He's a murderous tightwad, so never ask him for money."

"He's also freakin' sewn together! Did you forget to mention that?" Ino interjected, finally snapping out of her stupor.

"Yeah…it's kind of not important around here, as you can see every member has some kind of issue…" Sakura pointed out.

The gang gazed around at the members; they were certainly a motley crew.

"Like me. I'm a puppet," Sasori said, striding up to join the group. He plopped down next to Sakura at the picnic bench.

"And you are…?" Lee asked, giving him a sideways glance.

"Sasori. Of the Red Sand."

Sai looked at the red-head thoughtfully. "So what you're saying is, to casually engage you in conversation, we should call you 'Red Sand'? Your nickname?"

Sasori turned his gaze to the pale boy next to him. "You can just call me Sasori."

"Please, I wish to break the formal air around us and make friends. Can I give you a nickname?"

Sasori looked back at Sakura. "This kid is more socially awkward than us," he mentioned with amazement.

"He can't read people's emotions," Sakura whispered to him, "So you can imagine what a hard time he's having with you."

Ino stared at Sakura for a while. "So…are you two like…dating?"

"WHAT?" Sakura realized she was talking about her and Sasori. "No! We're just friends! Where'd you get that ridiculous notion?"

Lee seemed visibly relieved.

Hidan, who was sitting in the grass nearby, busted out laughing. "Sasori and Cherry?" he wheezed between laughs. "Oh, Piggy, that has to be the _funniest_ thing you've ever said!"

"I'm not a pig!" Ino shouted angrily.

Sakura glanced back at Sasori. He was studying the chipped polish of his fingernails. He didn't seem to be paying attention.

"I didn't say you were a pig, Piggy, that's just your name."

"No it's not! It's Ino!"

"That's what Hidan said, Piggy," Tobi told her, "Piggy!"

"Is that everyone? I thought there were more members," Shikamaru said.

Sakura sighed; she was just relieved the subject had been changed before that turned into an awkward situation. "Well, there's just Deidara and he's…where is he?"

"Haven't seen him in a while," Konan mentioned. She scanned the yard for him. "I hope he's not getting into trouble."

"Come to think of it…I haven't seen Naruto in a while either," Shikamaru stated, "No wonder it's been so quiet…"

Uh-oh. Sakura's mind whizzed with about a zillion worst-case scenarios. Naruto, while very strong and brave, was also an incurable troublemaker. When he wasn't busy running his mouth he was getting into some kind of mess. She couldn't count how many times he went missing, only to turn up with a heap of trouble in his wake.

That went double for Deidara. When he was out of sight, he was planning for some of his "art." Sakura still vividly remembered Halloween…

Sakura knew both boys pretty well. She knew they could be up to no good.

For the moment though, Sakura decided to forget about, as the hot dogs and bratwurst were finished and ready for eating. Choji downed eight of them before everyone else even got their food. He was going for seconds as the Akatsuki joined Sakura's gang at the picnic tables.

Nervous at first how her friends would interact with the Akatsuki, Sakura was pleasantly surprised at how they interacted. Konan chatted about girly things with Ino, Lee declared valiantly his various training regimens while Tobi and Zetsu ooed and ahed, Hidan recounted animatedly some of his bloodier battles to Shikamaru and Choji, with Kakuzu's wet-blanket commentary in between. Sai was truly fascinated by Pain's various piercing, and kept asking him about them; Pain had some actual enthusiasm in his answers.

"It's too bad Dei's missing out on all the fun," Kisame mentioned to Sakura.

"Yeah, I wonder where Naruto is too," she said, "I just hope he's staying out of trouble."

Ten minutes later, Kisame and Choji were about to get into a hot dog-eating contest when they heard a loud BOOM!

"Oh no," Sakura heard Sasori say. "Deidara."

BOOM! Suddenly the on-coming night was lit up with purple and green explosions. BOOM! The light turned a sparkly yellow. BOOM! BOOM! Two more were lit up, making sizzling noises as they disappeared.

"Ooo! Pretty colors!" Tobi exclaimed.

"Fireworks!" Konan shouted. Everyone's faces were illuminated in a rainbow of explosions.

Sakura scanned the horizon and spotted hundreds of figures scurrying across the lawn, setting up the next firework. Hundreds of _Narutos_. He and his clones were being directed around by Deidara, like an artist directing the making of an artwork. Sakura was sure that's how Dei thought of it.

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! The night sky was turned into a delightful light show. Everyone actually enjoyed themselves, even the grumpy Kakuzu and the sulking Zetsu looked content.

Sakura looked around at her friends enjoying themselves. She couldn't imagine a better time than with friends who cared about her, having fun.

"Glad to be with your friends again?" Sasori asked coolly.

Sakura glanced at the other members, perfectly intermingled with her friends from the Leaf.

"Yeah," she said, putting an arm around him, "_All_ of them."

Sasori smirked and turned back to watch the fireworks show. "Looks like Dei finally got to show off his artwork. He actually did a good job."

Sakura looked at the excited blonde Akatsuki member, his eyes alive with his creation. Naruto danced around to each firework under Deidara's orders; the two troublemakers were having a blast together.

"Yeah, he actually managed to keep from catching Hidan on fire."

* * *

**Yeah, I know, a day late. But whatever, I got really busy with Forth of July stuff…which included playing Naruto Shippuden Clash of Ninja Revolution 3; I wanted to blow stuff up in "real" life okay?**

**As for the whole "guest" character thing…I couldn't decide. These were my top picks, so I just let them all in. And by the way, Shikamaru's name is a **_**pain**_** to type over and over. Now I now why so many people just call him "Shika." The spell-check went nuts over his name too, it doesn't even have any spelling suggestions for it. Hee-hee! **

**Review please! I luvs your comments! **


	14. We Have a New Mission!

**Hey guys! I just wanted to thank whoever read this far! As of now (February 2014) I have no plans to continue Mission: Akatsuki. Although I must say, reading through this much later has made me miss it! (And also how much I had planned for this and how much better at storytelling I've gotten…Also I spelled "senpai"="sempai"? What?) Anyways, I'm completely out of synch with the whole Naruto franchise right now—pretty sure the Akatsuki have all died twice at this point... not sure though—not that it matters considering I'm pretty much operating by my own rules. Still, I always like to be well-informed. Never-the-less, thanks for your readership, and as always, I still enjoy reviews! Let me know if I should ever revisit this story! I still have those plans, I could always pick it up when I have a spare moment ;)**

**Update: Hey look! Another chapter!**

* * *

"…And that's how I lost my first tooth," Kisame finished proudly.

"Tobi likes that story!"

The rest of the team stared blankly at the fish man. "Kisame…" Konan started, "You didn't actually tell us a story. You just said that line."

Kisame apparently couldn't stay awake for the end of that riveting sentence because his head was now on the table, snoring. Tobi kept repeating "Tobi likes that story!" like a broken record player as Konan groaned. Everyone else stared at something different: Deidara stared at his hand, presumably making faces at himself to stayed entertained; Hidan stared at the wound he was inflicting upon himself, which Sakura swore was in the shape of a bunny; Sasori and Itachi stared at opposite walls, and Sakura was sure the intensity of their combined stares could cause an explosion even Deidara would blush at.

It had been like this for over a week. The Akatsuki hadn't gotten a mission in 2 months and to make matters worse, the Hokage had forbidden any of them from leaving the property. Even Sakura's travel was limited—she could only go out for supply runs. This left a castle full of cooped up weirdos. Kakuzu was unbearably grumpy, snapping at the littlest expenditure ("DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOOTH PICKS COST? WE ARE ON A LIMITED INCOME RIGHT NOW!").

Meanwhile, every hobby each had were exhausted to their limit: Sasori put on nightly puppet shows, each one more like a soap opera than the last, all delivered in Sasori's calm voice. Deidara had at some point run out of explosives, and Sakura refused to get more. _It was for everyone's safety_ she had thought. Boy was she misguided: Deidara began sabotaging everything to somehow make a great crashing sound, lighting fires out of anything he could (Sakura lost her nice vampire dress in the 17th fire and thought enough was enough). Upon being resupplied, the booming noises from his studio rattled the castle for 24 hours straight. Pein sent in Itachi to confirm Deidara was still alive afterwards. Plants, meanwhile, were struggling in the summer heat. This left Zetsu talking endlessly to his plants, discovering their deaths and holding a funeral service for each and every one. The backyard was morphing into a massive graveyard, wooden crosses posted every few feet ("DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH WOOD COSTS?!").

Things were weird…even weirder than usual. And to make matters worse, a heatwave had hit them, leaving the castle in a hazy, sweaty daze. Sakura often saw Pein or Kisame wandering the halls saying hi to them, only to have them jump in surprise and then turn around and rush away in another direction. Even Hidan just lay around everywhere, not even bothering to bark insults at passers-by.

"Pein?" Sakura prodded, "We were having a meeting? We should finish that up maybe?"

"HUH? Wha….oh Sakura. Meeting…? Yes! Meeting!" Pein's head wobbled around as he came back to reality.

"And that was the first time I tried fish," Kisame finished, though no words had been spoken.

"Great story, Kisame," Pein said, "Now on to the last item on my list…"

Pein stared at it for a moment, blinking hard several times before looking around.

"What is it Pein?" Konan asked sweetly. She was wearing Harry Potter glasses, though she had no need for them.

"It's…from Lady Tsunade…."

Suddenly, all the glazed eyes slowly came into focus, Tobi halting his chorus. They turned, gradually setting sights on their leader.

"We…have a mission?"

A clatter sounded as Hidan dropped his pen. Konan slowly raised her hand to remove her glasses shakily. Everyone jumped when Zetsu bolt into a standing position.

"We….have a mission," Zetsu repeated, "**We have a mission.** We have a mission. **W**e **h**a**v**e **a** m**i**s**s**i**o**n**!** **W**E **H**A**V**E **M**I**S**S**I**O**N**!"

Tobi joined this new chorus. Everyone looked around in bewilderment, until the room exploded in a wave of sound. The Akatsuki had a mission.

"WE HAVE A MISSION! WE HAVE A MISSION! WE HAVE A MISSION!"

"ENOUGH!" Konan, the loudest voice of all, snapped them back to the meeting at hand, "Pein, what's the mission?"

"And that was the first time I killed somebody…we have a mission?"

* * *

**Couldn't help it, had to write something small. Hope these are still funny! Also, I don't know ANY new characters from Naruto—I haven't kept up in years—so sorry to disappoint some people if their favorite character doesn't show up. Everything's frozen in an early Shippuden state, albeit in an alternate reality of sorts. Let me know how this chapter was! We have a mission! :D**


End file.
